Thursday, October 29, 2009

Giving The Freep's Jamie Samuelsen What He Loves

Just when I thought I was out of things to make fun of...here comes Jamie Samuelsen again.

From the Freep...

Oddly, Brandon Lyon is Tigers' top free agent to re-sign

Oddly, Samuelsen is still (I assume) paid to write about the Tigers.

The Tigers obviously don’t have a lot of money to spend, so which one of these four free agents is most necessary to re-sign: Placido Polanco, Fernando Rodney, Brandon Lyon or Adam Everett?

Dude, you already gave us your answer in the headline. But since you asked, I'm going with none of the above. None are necessary. But Lyon and Polanco would be cool with me. Especially, Polanco.

Welcome to the portion of the blog where I praise Placido Polanco and call him one of the most important Tigers of the last five years.

Thank you. You are too kind. Now, in turn, let me welcome you to the portion of my blog where I agree with you for the first time ever, I believe. I love Polly as much as I can possibly love a multi-millionaire with a deformed head, from Santo Domingo, that I've never met.

Then I suggest that maybe his best years are behind him and that the Tigers would be wise not to invest too much money in an aging second baseman.

I'm still with you. Though, I have a feeling that you're about to turn into a sarcastic prick.

Then you, my loyal readers, will crush my e-mail box telling me what a moron I am. I love it.

Really? You love it? May I now ask all nine of my readers to please flood Mr. Samuelsoen's e-mail box with hate mail? He loves it, you know. Come up with an interesting way of telling him to kill himself. Like walking into a spinning helecoptor blade. He loves it.

He's like Drew Sharp...without the readers.

Yes, I am passing on Polanco. Love the guy.

As much as you love being called a moron? I hope your testicles somehow end up in a wood chipper.

He’s a huge reason the Tigers are where they are,

Playing golf?

and at the end of the this season, he was one of their most consistent hitters (even if Jim Leyland did bench him in a clinching game).

Take THAT, Mumbles McMarlboro! I thought Samuelsen usually defended Leyland. Didn't get enough hate mail that way? He loves it, you know.

But with money committed to players like Magglio Ordonez, Nate Robertson, Jeremy Bonderman and Dontrelle Willis, the Tigers simply can’t afford to commit to another player who won’t be able to live up to the terms of his deal.

Magglio beat the hell out of the ball the second half once his personal problems were behind him. Overpaid, still? Sure. But his option for 2010 kicked in because he LIVED UP TO THE TERMS OF HIS DEAL.

Nate sucks, sure. But he showed late in the season that he can still be effective at times. Bondo? Turned 27 yesterday. (Happy Birthday, Jeremy!) Let's not shovel dirt on him until we see him fully recovered from surgery, shall we? Dontrelle...I've got nothing there.

Point is, there are no "terms" on any of their deals. Unlike the NFL, there's nothing we can do about their stupid contracts now. Are they overpaid? Sure. Useless? Other than Willis, not quite. That's your gimmick, Jamie. Proceed.

And at this point, at the age of 34 with almost 1,500 games under his belt, he won’t be able to live up to it. We’ve seen his range on the decline. So if he can’t play second, where do you put him?

Polanco can't play second anymore? Are you fist-f'ing me, Jamie? The guy won the Gold Glove just two years ago breaking the record for errorless games. And sure, I'll agree with you that his range isn't what it once was. But to say that the man isn't capable of playing second base anymore is the dumbest thing I've heard since "Porcello is done and Zach Miner is coming into the game."

Plenty of great second basemen have moved to first after their range disappeared. Joe Morgan, Jeff Kent and Robbie Alomar all shifted around the infield when they couldn’t get those balls up the middle (like the one Polanco couldn’t get that would have WON THE DIVISION!).

You're right! It's all Mr. Potato Head's fault! He's a witch! Burn him!

Did Alomar really ever leave second base? I did black out in the late 90's, but still...

The difference with those players is that they were power hitters whose teams needed to keep them in the lineup.

Calling Joe Morgan and Roberto Alomar power hitters is a bit of a stretch. They were great hitters with more power than Polanco, but power hitters? Was Alan Trammell a "power hitter"? Of course not. But Polanco did hit 10 homers and drove in 72 runs (a career high). And why in the blue hell are you talking about moving Polanco to first base? That's...um, what's a synonym for "f'n retarded" that isn't offensive to people? Maybe, I'll come back to that.

But back to your switching postions nonsense, don't we have one of the best young (power) hitters in the majors at first base? Remember him?

That, and the Tigers already have a first baseman -- assuming he’s not hanging out at the Townsend.

There you go. Nice drunk joke. Next, call his mother a whore. Screw his near-MVP type numbers he put up.

This team already is stocked with poor-fielding players who can’t find a position.

Yeah, Laird. And Granderson. And Inge. And Cabrera. Worthless pricks.

The last thing they need is another one. So let the e-mails begin.

Dear Jamie. I hope you end up as a victim in a copycat reinactment of the latest "Saw" movie. Normally, I wouldn't write this, but I hear you love this "hate mail" stuff. XXOO, Rogo

Try to get Polly to stay for a year at what he was making. Or a slight raise. It doesn't hurt to ask. If he thinks the market is going to be huge for him, I think he's crazy. I don't see anyone offering him 3 years/$24 million. And I don't see this Sizemore kid being ready for an entire season at second base...broken leg or not. He needs another year in AAA to work on defense and cutting down on the K's. Polanco's the only guy in the linup that we can count on to make contact with the ball.

Rodney goes, too, because he’s simply going to be too expensive.

And he sucks.

He had a fantastic year,

4.40 ERA
1.47 WHIP
41 walks in 75.2 IP
9 ER in 8.2 innings after September 24th...ya know, when we kinda needed him to be good?

But he was 37/38 in saves...the most overrated stat in baseball.

That's like my kid coming home with a report card full of D's and an A+ in home ec. I'd rather have Farnsworth back on the team than Rodney. (shudders)

but it had all the trappings of a career year. Unless your name is Mariano Rivera, your best years as a closer come in your 20s.

Go to hell, Dennis Eckersley, Trevor Hoffman, Lee Smith, Goose Gossage, Rollie Fingers and countless others who saved games effectively, WELL into their 30's.

It’s not a fine-wine scenario in which you age and improve.

Wine sucks. Gives me a headache. Like Jamie Samuelsen columns. Thank goodness I only read him once a month when I'm hard up for material.

Again, I fear that Rodney would get a two- or three-year deal, and we’d be kicking ourselves in year two or three for throwing money at a reliever you don’t even trust to close games.

Like Brandon Lyon. Whom you want us to resign.

Probably totally unfair, given the year that he had,

He sucked.

but I’ve seen too many Rod Becks and Robb Nens and Randy Myerses and John Wettelands who lose it as 30somethings. Why should FRod be any different?

Beck, Nen, Myers, and Wetteland had track records. Rodney has had ONE misleading year. If he gets K-Rod money, I'll poop you out a koala bear.

Adam Everett sure was a smooth fielder,

And oh, that hair!

but he became such a liability at the plate in the second half that I can’t justify bringing him back. Second-half numbers: .207 average, .248 OBP, 17 RBIs. I’m more comfortable with Everett defensively than I am with Ramon Santiago, but not more comfortable enough to justify the drop in offense.

Everett sucks at the plate. But at most, he'll cost $1.5 million, methinks. And who else are we going to get that cheap? John McDonald? Lyon, Rodney, and Polly are all $3-$7 million guys. Why is Everett even in this conversation? Huff or Washburn would have made more sense. Your blogs are about as well thought out as that plan hatched by the balloon kid's family. Want to talk about Matt Treanor, too?

So I’m left with Brandon Lyon, which makes me very uncomfortable.

2.86 ERA
1.11 WHIP
31 walks in 78.2 IP
2 ER in 8.1 IP after September 24th...ya know, when we kinda needed him to be good?

Wait...Lyon WAS good. Why are you uncomfortable? Not enough hate mail yet? I know...WHERE ARE YOUR SAVES, BRANDON? That is how you tell what a good year is!

It’s like when you fill out your NCAA bracket from start to finish and get to the Final Four and say, “This is what I came up with?”

George Washington, Davidson, Tulane, and NC State? Thank God I write sports for the Free Press!

Lyon is what I came up with?

I had Col. Mustard in the study with the candlestick, personally.

But he was one of their best relievers down the stretch.

He was the best one. Granted, with guys like Miner, Fien, and Seay getting bombed every night, the competition wasn't that fierce.

And he’s only 30, so he doesn’t violate my Rodney age rule, either.

Rodney turns 33 in March. Can we quit talking about him like he's Dick Cheney's age, you asshat?

Actually Lyon falls into the Todd Jones category (which must THRILL you),

Tigers all-time saves leader...I'm with you...

where he doesn’t throw hard enough to have the age thing really come into play.

Throwing hard...that's all that counts. ZOOM!

Whether he can he close is the biggest question. And I still think he can.

Empty the bank account, Mr. I...Jamie thinks he can.

Pitching is pitching

Unless you're over 30.

and getting people out is the aim, whether it’s in the first inning or the ninth.

Or if you give up 2 runs every game and still get a save. That's a good outing.

I never bought the whole situational thing. Either you can get guys out or you can't. If Brad Lidge can overcome his postseason demons the way he has, then Brandon Lyon should be able to pitch the ninth.

WTF? Lyon and Lidge. Lyon was good this year. Lidge was an abortion. Lidge was great in the postseason last year...and has been on target this year. Quit comparing apples to Volkswagons.

Okay. Let's forget every stupid thing you had to say and (for some weird reason) concentrate on just Polanco, Everett, Rodney, and Lyon. I agree, the Tigers probably can't afford all of them. Double D has said that some people are going to have to go. You offer Potato Head a one year deal, take it or leave it. You offer Everett one-two years, $1.5-3.5 million. Cheap and it sures up the defense. You tell Rodney to walk into oncoming traffic...let the Cubs or someone overpay his dumb ass. And Lyon? Offer him market value.

Again, saves are the most overrated stat in baseball. Can just anyone close? No, but I don't think closers are as special as they're made out to be. Some are just lucky. (Rodney) Some truly are great. (Rivera) And some, just are given the role and they're either good or bad, depending on the year. (Todd Jones) If Lyon takes a fair deal, let him close. He's earned a shot after 2009. If not, let Zoom, Perry, and whoever else fight it out in the Spring. Rodney did it all year and he wasn't even supposed to close for us...Lyon was.

Another year out of Polanco seems to be the most important signing to me. But don't send me any hate mail over it. Send that to Jamie.

He loves the stuff.

1 comment:

schwangfoo said...

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