Sunday, January 10, 2010

THE (new) TEAM: A New Hope

(Two months from now. At the Yankees Spring Training facility in Tampa, FL.)

BRIAN CASHMAN: Ahh, another day in paradise. The World Series rings will be ready for Opening Day. The roster is set. Nothing to do now but wait for it all to come together once again. (lights cigar with hundred dollar bill)

(buzzer on desk goes off)

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Cashman? Your next appointment is here. A Mr. Granderson to see you?

CASHMAN: Ahh, yes. The new recruit. Please, send him in.

(door opens)


CURTIS GRANDERSON: Hello, Mr. Cashman. Great to see you! I love this facility! Everything is top notch. I can’t wait to get onto the field and go after a championship!

CASHMAN: That’s great to hear, uh (looks at note card) um, Curtis. So…have you been in town long?

GRANDERSON: I just got in this morning, sir. Unpacked my bags at the hotel and headed straight over.

CASHMAN: You unpacked your own bags? Son, you’re a Yankee, now. You PAY people to do menial tasks like that for you. While you're at it, get yourself an expensive condo by the end of the week. Hotels are for ugly people and the Royals. And you need to start wearing nothing but suits when not in uniform from now on, got me? You think you’re too good to act like a Yankee?

GRANDERSON: Um, no, sir. I just thought…

CASHMAN: You thought. Right. (buzzes receptionist) Grace? Could you see if the Captain can come in here when he has a moment? Thanks. Now, Curtis, as a Yankee, you are expected to be BETTER than everyone around you. You have a certain image and lifestyle you are expected to live. For example, who are you currently seeing romantically?

GRANDERSON: What? Well, I don’t see how that matters, but I’ve kind of been talking to this girl I know from back home in Chicago…

CASHMAN: Ridiculous. We will have her killed, immediately. Don’t worry. We do this kind of stuff all the time…we’re the Yankees. From now on, you will be dating (looks at chart on wall), how about Elisha Cuthbert? I believe the company purchased her last week.

GRANDERSON: Are you serious? But, sir…

CASHMAN: Enough! I thought you were committed to excellence! I thought you were ready to take the next step in your baseball career? Are you not ready to be a TRUE YANKEE? A Scott Brosius! An Aaron Boone! A Bernie Williams! A…

GRANDERSON: An Alex Rodriguez?

(door flies open)


DEREK JETER: Alex Rodriguez is not, nor will he ever be, a TRUE YANKEE!

CASHMAN: Ahh! The Captain has arrived! Thank you for coming so quickly. Mr. Granderson has arrived for Spring Training and is still not familiar with…our ways.

JETER: Is that so? What questions do you have, my young friend?

GRANDERSON: Well…I’m not sure. I just want to play ball and help the team. I know! Derek, I’m big into helping the community and all. Love to give back. In fact, my Grand Kids charity raised…

JETER: Your Grand Kids charity is no more. You will focus all your energy into the Derek Jeter Foundation. Making sure that Derek Jeter looks good is, and will always be, your top priority as a Yankee. Do not tell me that you are selfish…are you?

GRANDERSON: Um…are you kidding? Of course not.

JETER: Good. Mr. Cashman, why is this man not into uniform yet?

GRANDERSON: What do you mean? I’m actually digging the pinstripes. It’ll take getting used to wearing number fourteen here, but I think…

CASHMAN: No, Curtis. That was just for the media. Put this on. This is your TRUE new uniform.

GRANDERSON: Um…okay. Give me a sec…


GRANDERSON: This is kind of uncomfortable…and hard to breathe in.

CASHMAN: (puts on Yankee cap made of baby seals) Nonsense! You look great. Doesn’t he…Lord Jeter?


JETER: Yes he does.

GRANDERSON: Oh, my gosh!

JETER: I find your lack of faith disturbing, young Granderson. But I sense the force is strong with you. Jim Leyland has taught you well, but now that you have joined me, together we will rule the American League and CRUSH all those who stand in our path! Can you feel the power coursing though you?

GRANDERSON: Yes…Lord Jeter.

(door flies open)


GEORGE STEINBRENNER: Lord Jeter!

GRANDERSON: You've gotta be kidding me.

JETER: What is your bidding, my master?

STEINBRENNER: Get Billy Martin on the phone! I need his advice on the ponies. And tell Jackson and Mattingly that I’m not putting up with their hippie crap this year. And please…find my pills…

JETER: Yes…my master.

GRANDERSON: I don’t like it here.

CASHMAN: You’ll get used to it. Tell you what. (pulls wad of cash out of desk drawer) Let’s get some hookers and blow later. You’re a Yankee now, dammit.

GRANDERSON: Um, okay. No wonder Sheff was crazy.

2 comments:

schwangfoo said...

/slow clap.....

schwangfoo said...

/slow clap.....