Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Catfight: Clete Thomas vs. Don Kelly


In the battle for the final roster spot for a position player on your Detroit Tigers, it seems that Don Kelly has beaten out Clete Thomas to be this year’s token untalented white guy off the bench. While it is no secret that Your Party Host wishes that both men had been aborted by their mothers, it is only fair that I do a complete breakdown on them to try and see if the team made the right decision. Let’s take a look in a bit that I’m going to start calling “Catfight”.

Given Name
Clete: Mike Thomas
Kelly: Don Kelly
Advantage: Push. You don’t get much more boring than those names.

Hitting Ability
Clete: Hahahahahahaha…
Kelly: Bwaaaaaaaaa, hahahahahaha…
Advantage: Clete. Slightly. Nothing to be proud of…did you ever see the South Park when they are choosing between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich to be the school mascot? It’s kind of like that.

College
Clete: Auburn
Kelly: Point Park College, a liberal arts college in Pennsylvania
Advantage: Clete. Don Kelly is a hippie…who knew?

Age
Clete: 26
Kelly: 30
Advantage: Clete. After 30, it’s not cool to nail 19 year olds anymore. It becomes creepy. I don’t agree or understand it either, but that’s what everyone tells me. Oh, plus it is better to be younger in baseball or something.

Memorable Tiger Moment
Clete: Walk off homer against Baltimore in August, 2009.
Kelly: Losing a fly ball in the ceiling of the Metrodome contributing to us losing the 2009 AL Central title.
Advantage: Clete. F-ck you, Don Kelly.

Famous Namesake
Clete: Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
Kelly: Don Johnson
Advantage: Kelly. Sonny Crockett was the man back in the day.

Can Play
Clete: Outfield
Kelly: Anywhere…will possibly be available for birthdays and bat mitzvahs if you throw in a free hot dog.
Advantage: Kelly

Coolest Name of a Minor League Team He Played For
Clete: Erie SeaWolves
Kelly: Tuscon Sidewinders
Advantage: Kelly…only because he also played for the SeaWolves. And both played for the Mud Hens and Whitecaps.

Got First Shot In Detroit Replacing…

Clete: Curtis Granderson (due to injury)
Kelly: Clete Thomas (due to Clete being terrible)
Advantage: Clete. C’mon. Grandy is still loved here at the DNR.

Career Stats

Clete: .253 Avg, 8 HR, 48 RBI, .336 OBP, 89 OPS+ in 443 plate appearances.
Kelly: .217 Avg, 0 HR, 3 RBI, .301 OBP, 53 OPS+ in 94 plate appearances.
Advantage: Clete. Holy hell, I cannot believe that so many of you want Don Kelly to make this team. Sure he can play a lot of positions. But he is horrible. Horrible! The PITTSBURGH FRICKIN’ PIRATES RELEASED HIM, FOR CRISSAKES!

Survey Says:
And by a score of 6-3 (with one tie), Clete Thomas is your winner! Congrats, Clete. But sadly, Your Party Host is not in charge of this team. Ryan Raburn can play anywhere as poorly at defense as Kelly, so I think Thomas should have got the spot. Who cares if Kelly doesn’t have any options left? Would anyone want him? And wait…am I defending Clete Thomas? Man, this whole Nate being traded thing has me off my rocker…

Good luck in 2010, gentlemen. I honestly cannot wait to make fun of you both for another season.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Don Kelly gets the advantage for the name. As my father puts it, he's our adverb (run his name together). So in my opinion, his name is one more thing about him to make fun of, so he should get the advantage on the name.