Thursday, June 17, 2010

Return of the Strange Visitor From the East


If you weren’t here for the first attempt at this, here you go. If you’re going to rip off someone, rip off the best. Johnny Carson ruled. On we go…

Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for a visit from the great stranger from the East. Heaven has no star brighter than our guest, Eddie Bonine’s personal knuckleball coach…I give you Rogo-nac, the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage.

Are you okay, mighty sage?

I’m fine, you idiot. Let’s not waste any more time.

Indeed, good sir. I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within Rick Knapp’s scouting reports on Minnesota Twin hitters, where no one would possibly look for or find them. We now ask you, oh great Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give the answer before opening the envelope and reading the question. Are you ready?

I am.

Hermetically sealed…

Yes.

In Rick Knapp’s Minnesota scouting reports…

If such things exist. Please, give me the first envelope.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

Most times, Rogo-nac gets nothing but complete silence.

May Jim Joyce hail from your home town.

Ho, ho, ho…

/puts envelope to forehead

Tom Brady, Big Ben, and Don Kelly batting third.

Brady, Big Ben, and Kelly third…yes sir…

/rip…poof

Name a jock, a clock, and a crock.

HA, HA, HA…a brilliant start, sir!

/puts envelope to forehead

Catch-22.

CATCH…22.

/rip…poof

What does Ryan Raburn do with 100 fly balls?

HOHOHO…he’s a terrible fielder. Yes. Next one, great one.

/puts envelope to forehead

Mark Fidrych, Kurt from Bless You Boys, and Danny Worth.

Be careful…

/rip…poof

Name “The Bird”, a soccer nerd, and a useless turd.

Ha, ha, ha…so sorry, Kurt. He doesn’t mean it.

May Brandon Inge pick out a tattoo for you.

/puts envelope to forehead

Arabia.

Arabia?

/rip…poof

What did Fu-Te Ni say his favorite part of a woman is?

HIYOOOO! A labia! Brilliant, awesome one. But no more border line racism today, please?

May a fellow blogger send you a picture of her feet.

Haha…

More brilliance after the jump...

 

/puts envelope to forehead

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and Johnny Damon’s wife.

Uh oh…

/rip…poof

Name three things that have yeast.

HOHOHOHO…still upset over the “cosmopolitan” comment, I see. So bitter, great one.

May Jim Leyland pinch hit for your favorite player with Gerald Laird.

/puts envelope to forehead

Austin Jackson.

Austin…Jackson. Great talent.

/rip…poof

Name a crippled wrestler and a dead child molester.

Yowza! Steve Austin and Michael Jackson…ha ha…so wrong.

/puts envelope to forehead

A potato, Brad Pitt, and Brad Thomas.

A potato, Brad Pitt…and Brad Thomas? Hmm.

/rip…poof

Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.

Haha…Thomas is horrible.

/puts envelope to forehead

Steven Jackson, Sam Bradford, and Adam Everett.

Hmm…okay.

/rip…poof

Name two rams and a goat.

HOHO…good riddance, Adam. Haha…

May Jose Valverde suggest your new hair style.

/puts envelope to forehead

Moose knuckle.

MOOSE…knuckle?

/rip…poof

Describe the appearance of Johnny Damon’s wife’s crotch.

HIYOOOO! Enough, sir! Leave the poor girl alone…

May Don Kelly’s college buddies send you threatening emails.

/puts envelope to forehead

That time of the month.

Oh, no…

/rip…poof

What do you call Carlos Guillen going on the DL?

Ho, ho…he’s always hurt. Yes. But he’s playing well at second.

/puts envelope to forehead

60 Minutes.

60…minutes. Yes.

/rip…poof

How much actual work has Lloyd McClendon done this season?

Ha, ha…poor Lloyd. No one likes him. Legendary!

/puts envelope to forehead

Yassir Arafat.

Yassir Arafat. Ho, ho…

/rip…poof

What was Fu-Te Ni’s response to being asked if he met Brandon Inge’s fan club?

HOHOHOHOHOHO…yes sir, they’re fat. Oh, my. Please, sir. He doesn’t talk that way. Stop.

May you spend hours reading a blog about crappy, white basketball players.

May you be blinded by Dave Dombrowski’s wardrobe.

May you be forced into trying to carry on an intelligent conversation with Jeremy Bonderman.

Please, sir. The envelopes. Ha, ha…

/puts envelope to forehead

PAWS, Gerald Laird, and Jim Joyce.

PAWS, Laird, and poor Jim Joyce. Go easy.

/rip…poof

Who is a furry cat, a tub of fat, and blind as a bat?

HOHOHO…let it go. Armando has.

/puts envelope to forehead

Mount Baldy.

Mount Baldy. Lovely. Yes.

/rip…poof

How does one have sex with Bobby Seay?

HIYOOOO…get well soon, Bobby.

/puts envelope to forehead

Clean air, a virgin, and consistent starting pitching.

Um…

/rip…poof

Name three things you can’t find in Detroit.

Whoa! Haha…don’t anger the audience, sir.

May you be forced to purchase a months worth of razors for the Avila kid.

/puts envelope to forehead

Snap…crackle…pop.

Snap, crackle, pop?

/rip…poof

What does Jim Leyland’s doctor hear when he listens to the skipper’s lungs?

Hoho…so unhealthy, yes.

/puts envelope to forehead

A diamond, a hammer, and Lynn Henning.

A diamond. A hammer. Lynn Henning. Uh oh.

/rip…poof

Name a jewel, a tool, and a fool.

Heh, heh. Weak. Oh, Great One, I hold in my hands the last envelope!

(audience roars)

Finally!

May idiot fans explain to you how Brandon Inge should be an all-star.

May Tom Brookens make fun of your facial hair.

May ESPN anchors mispronounce most of your team’s player’s names.

Sir, the final envelope. Please.

/puts envelope to forehead

A one-hitter.

A one…hitter.

What did the Tigers’ trainer find in Joel Zumaya’s travel bag?

HOHOHOHOHOHO…yes! Thank you, Rogo-nac, the Tremendous! Have a safe trip home, great one!

2 comments:

Dan said...

That was some good stuff man! Nicely done, enjoy your weekend sir.

Anonymous said...

"May Brandon Inge pick out a tattoo for you."

My favorite!