Since we last spent time together, the Tigers have managed to go a dismal 2-11. Are you fist f-cking me? 2-11? I mean, I get that Maggs, Carlito, and that prick Inge were hurt, but my gawd.
Without further buildup, I present to you the return of Your Party Host. The drainer of kegs, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom she begs…and the face between her legs…
Sorry. Let's review what I missed while gone.
2-11? 9 games back? I bet Lynn Henning’s been in heaven. FML…
You’ve Gotta Be Jhoking Me
There was all sorts of hype going into this year’s trade deadline for the Tigers. Names like Dan Haren, Roy Oswalt, Adam Dunn, Brad Hawpe, Jose Bautista, and John Buck were being thrown around. Then, the injuries happened. When I left you, we were still in the hunt and there was still hope for winning the AL Central. Surely, Dave Dombrowski would be able to pull off a deal or two to help the team tread water until the wounded cats returned.
He got us Jhonny Peralta from the Indians for AA pitcher Giovanni Soto.
Okay, I get the whole not mortgaging the future thing. I get not making a deal if there wasn’t one to be made. But Peralta? He’s been horsesh-t since getting off of steroids. (Jhonny was jhucing…no doubt in my mind.) What was the point of getting him? Let Jeff Larish play third, dammit!
Living in Ohio, I’m surrounded by annoying Indian supporters. I have never seen a group of fans so happy to see a guy traded. I spoke to at least ten Tribe fans and each of them were ecstatic to see Jhonny Boy leave Racist Logo Town. He is hot, stinking garbage...on a good day.
But he had a nice start, though, didn’t he? 3 for 4 with 2 dingers in his Tiger debut? I’m surprised Dave didn’t give him a five year, $60 million deal immediately. Since then, though, he’s gone 6 for 35 with 0 homers and 1 RBI. I’d almost rather see Don Kelly or Will Rhymes out there.
Almost. What other deals did Dave pull off?
-Jeff Larish DFA’d. Signed by Oakland.
Excuse me for a second.
/bangs head into wall over and over
I’ve always been a supporter of Larish on here. I’ve been campaigning for him to get a chance at playing in the big leagues for a while. The Inge injury was the perfect opportunity to see some more of Jeff, his silly batting stance of stone, and his glorious hair. Sure, the guy’s best buddies with that midget Rhymes, but no one’s perfect. The kid has some pop in his bat that we’ve been missing all year. He’s done well at AAA. Did he buy Leyland Ultra Lights by mistake at some point and end up in the doghouse? Did Jim catch him at some point shaking hands with Dusty Ryan? Did he question Don Kelly being a leadoff hitter at some point in his short tenure? We’ll never know.
Meanwhile, Jeff Frazier and Will Rhymes are still on our major league roster. If I’m not mistaken, Larish could have been kept around by simply moving the human muppet, Clete Thomas to the 60-day DL. Or send Frazier or Rhymes back down…no one would’ve claimed them.
And wait...Sizemore was sent back down with Rhymes staying up? WTF? Why do they keep doing this stuff to me? Granted, I hate Jim Leyland’s managing. But I’ve always defended Dombrowski. Methinks I may need to rethink this strategy…
-Tigers acquire Brandon Jones from Pittsburgh for a player to be named later. Jones is a 26 year old left fielder and was assigned to AA Erie.
Excuse me again for a moment.
/buries head in hands for 20 minutes
Knowing Dave Dombrowski’s taste in outfielders and admittedly not knowing anything about Jones, I can only make the following assumptions:
1. Jones is white.
2. Jones cannot hit a breaking ball.
3. Jones will never amount to jack squat.
4. Jones already probably has a weird fan club of posters at Bless You Boys.
5. Leyland will end up batting him third at some point if he gets called up.
He’s 26 and in Double A. What…the…fudge? The last guy we took that the Pirates didn’t want?
Don F-cking Kelly. I hate this team sometimes. Was Craig Monroe too busy working at 7-11 to fill out our minor league roster?
-Wilkin Ramirez traded to Braves for cash or a player to be named later.
Shouldn’t that be a lefty reliever to be named later? Screw Wilkin. But I’d rather have him than Brandon Jones…
And that’s it. No more moves at the trade deadline. But with the team imploding before our eyes, I’m already reading rumors of Brandon Inge, Carlos Guillen, Johnny Damon, Jeremy Bonderman, Gerald Laird, Jhonny Peralta, and Brad Thomas possibly being moved, assuming they clear wavors. No doubt, the Tigers would have to eat all the remaining cash on those deals, especially Guillen.
Yes, the season is over, kids. A week into August and we’re done. And all that’s going to do is turn me even meaner until it’s over. Lynn Henning and the Borat guy at the News: consider yourselves on notice.
But back to Bonderman for a second.
More ranting after the jump.
Jeremy Bonderman is a F-cking Retard
F-ck you, Bondo. A week before the deadline, Bonderman gave an interview where he actually said that he’s considering retiring after this year at the age of 28. Uncle Fester, in that one interview, ruined any chance of Dombrowski being able to deal him at the deadline. Who would be willing to trade for a guy that’s obviously not fully into the game of baseball anymore? I mean, it’s not like we were going to get Hanley Ramirez for him anyway, but any chance of acquiring a player other than, say, Brandon Jones went away when Bonderman opened his big, stupid mouth.
You want to retire, dummy? Fine. Do it after the season. That's your right. But don't talk about it when your team is counting on you. Don't do it when your GM may be trying to better the organization. You have done nothing but hurt this team since you were acquired from the A's many moons ago. Take your money and go fishing with your old man. That's great. But don't make an already terrible situation even worse.
If Jeremy Bonderman is still playing for the Tigers next year, I promise you all that I will publish a picture of myself holding up an “I love Don Kelly” sign for your enjoyment. I can’t see anyone giving the guy anything close to a decent deal anymore. Well, except the Mets. They’re dumb.
I’ve always said that Bondo is a moron. I met him once and he just had the open mouthed stare of someone that couldn’t count to 21 without taking off his shoes and unzipping his fly. This interview didn’t do anything to change that opinion.
I hope Bonderman gets lupus.
Man, I’m cranky…you would be, too, though. Moving along...
Always A Tiger Movement
-Our Hero found a team dumb enough to sign him! Nate Robertson signed a minor league deal with the St. Louis Cardinals, the third team to employ his unique pitching services of suck this season. The Cards, of course, are managed by Jim Leyland’s best buddy, Tony LaRussa. If he and pitching coach Dave Duncan can’t help Nate to rebound into anything useful, the man is truly done. D-U-N, done.
/assumes that Duncan is still the Cards’ pitching coach
/too lazy to look it up
Well, congrats, Nate. As always, I remain your humble servant.
-Kyle Farnsworth was traded for the 85th time, this time back to the Braves. At least the Tigers aren’t the only team in baseball that doesn’t learn from their mistakes of the past.
-Denny Bautista DFA’d by the Giants. Apparently their strategy of putting together a team of Tim Lincecum and a bunch of ex-Tigers wasn’t working for them. Who will they replace him with? Jose Lima?
-Edwin Jackson traded to the White Sox. Great…they found a way to make me hate EJax. Thanks a lot, baseball. And of course, he immediately helped the Sox to beat Detroit. Sigh.
What a depressing couple of weeks. At least in 2003 we knew that things were going to be bad. One more thing…
Mike Ilitch Should Own the Knicks
Mike Ilitch gave a vote of support to both Dombrowski and Leyland and said both will return in 2011. He also remains committed to spending money in the offseason.
That’s great. I’m willing to give them one more year. But that’s it. Despite the amazing talent that Jim’s had on his teams over the years, he still only has a career winning percentage of .497 in close to 3000 games. And Dave’s bonehead moves have really started to outnumber his better ones in recent years. With all the available cash available for 2011, I can see Mr. I giving them at least one more year to right the ship. He’s a loyal guy…the anti-Steinbrenner in that department. I can respect that.
But it’s not going to be easy. Good luck convincing Carl Crawford or Cliff Lee to come to Detroit over New York, LA, or Boston. Be prepared to overpay in a big way, Mr. Pizza Man. Both Dave and Jim are going to have to do the best work of their careers in 2011 to save their jobs. But then again, you never know with Ilitch. He's an odd cat.
I'll finish with a quick story. I told this once before when I first started this blog, but back then I had about four readers. Now that my readership has doubled (ha), I want to share it again.
The year was 1999. Star Wars: Episode One was underwhelming the country on movie screens all across America. A young scamp named Eminem was making waves in the music industry with his troubling lyrics. And a 22 year old college dropout, alcoholic-in-training, named Rogo was in Detroit at a convention of Little Caesars managers from all over the country.
At one point we all had a chance to line up, shake hands with Mr. Ilitch, and pose for a picture. When it was my turn, I walked up to the man who gave a big smile and gripped my hand. He said, “Hi there. How are you doing?” I quickly responded, “Well, I’d be doing a lot better, sir, if you would fire Randy Smith.” He gave me a nervous chuckle and I was shuffled away by his handlers without a response.
You didn’t listen to me then, sir, and look what happened. Listen to me now.
One more year. That’s it. If they can't get it done next year, someone else needs to be given the reigns.
Oh, and make Bobby Higginson the manager in 2012. That would friggin' rule.
Glad to be back, kids. Thanks for waiting for me, putting up with my nonsense, and all of the support I've received. In upcoming weeks, I’ll try to be more entertaining than the garbage that’s been taking place with our baseball team.