So, I was thinking of quitting the blog…again. Here’s whats happened since then, as I recall it.
OLD ENGLISH D JEN: As the resident Detroit Tiger Emo Fan Mistress of Sorrow, I COMMAND you to not give up your blog!
/stares at picture of Magglio…starts weeping
ROGO: Meh. Work is killing me. This season wiped me out. They re-signed Inge. A pretty girl talked to me out of pity and I, of course, thought that we were engaged. My mind just isn’t there. Sorry.
OED JEN: You can’t do this! You’re the greatest Tiger blogger in the world! What will we do without you?
ALYSSA MILANO: Rogo, you need to start writing. Your genius work just makes me so…excited. How about I call my good friend Jennie Finch up, we pick up some whipped cream, and we head over to your place and l…
ROGO: Damn. Guess I’ll see what’s on Redtube…
JAMIE SAMUELSEN: C’mon, man. No one’s reading my crap anymore without you linking to it and making fun of every inane thing I say. Please come back?
ROGO: I’m busy. And I hate baseball. Get off my lawn.
JAMIE SAMUELSEN: Can I borrow some money for gas?
ROGO: Die of a rectal tumor…
FAN LETTER #22: C’mon, dude. Come back. Make fun of Inge.
FAN LETTER #59: Who’s gonna call Don Kelly funny names now? Make me laugh!
FAN LETTER #255: You have won the Nigerian lotto! Just send us your bank info…
/watches Pawn Stars and mopes
ROGO: Hmm…Jayson Werth looks homeless. Or like Edge from WWE. Or like the guy that plays Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies. Buffy was in those, too. Buffy’s hot.
/drools for ten minutes
ROGO: Maybe I could write something funny about him. Ugh…I can’t keep quitting and starting up again. And my time is so precious…
/loud banging on door
ROGO: Who the hell could that be?
/door flies open
KIRK GIBSON: You f-cking disgust me.
ROGO: Oh my God…Kirk Gibson?
GIBSON: F-cking A, bucko.
ROGO: What are you doing he…
GIBSON: Shut it! Gibby goes where he wants and does what he wants. Gibby f-cks who he wants and kills what he wants. In fact, I was in the U.P. last month. I shot a ten point deer in the face and f-cked the bullet hole for twenty minutes afterward. That’s just how Gibby rolls. You understand?
ROGO: I guess so.
GIBSON: You guess so, huh? You’re pathetic. You and your little fart joke blog. You quit again, huh?
ROGO: Well, I’ve just been so busy and haven’t had the time…
GIBSON: Bullsh-t. You stand there with that dumb look on your face and tell me you’re busy? You’re lazy! You remind me of Chet Lemon when I caught him dogging it on a routine ground ball back in ‘87. You know what I did to him?
GIBSON: I punched that pussy so hard in the gut that his spleen exploded.
ROGO: Poor Chet…all he’s gone through was because of you?
GIBSON: No. It was because he was a lazy c-cksucker…just like you. Look, kid…you don’t have much talent, but any jackoff can write about baseball. You don’t even have to be good at it. Look at Rick Reilly or Lynn Henning. Ha, I remember one time Henning writing something that pissed me off. I took him up to my hunting compound and…well, let’s say that ‘ol Lynny couldn’t sit down comfortably for about a month. Point is, you seem to be able to make folks laugh. Ya know, Gibby can be funny too. You want to hear a joke?
GIBSON: Course you do. Here it goes. Goose Gossage. Ha!
ROGO: Heh heh…
GIBSON: Another one…Dennis Eckersley! Hohoho…that goofy haired sumbitch still sh-ts his pants any time some says “Kirk Gibson” around him.
/eats entire bag of deer jerkey
ROGO: Look, Mr. Gibson. Thanks for coming by, but…
GIBSON: Shut up, fag. Ya know, I tried to quit baseball in 1992, banged up as I was. And Sparky Anderson was there to call me a pussy and tell me to go back. And I did. Gibby hasn’t quit on anything ever again. And neither are you. Did I ever tell you about the time Rozema and I double-teamed Joan Collins back in ’83?
/shoots squirrel with an automatic rifle
ROGO: Um, we just met five minutes ago…
GIBSON: Shut up. Anyway, Davey had to have put down two fifths of Jack at that point. And the sumbitch kept tellin’ me, “Gibby, I just can’t get it up. Whiskey d-ck like a motherf-cker, man.” Well, I slapped that goofy f-ck right in the face and screamed in his ear until he was able to be the man I knew he could be. I didn’t care if it took all night, but he was gonna leave his mark on that ugly hag. And it took a couple hours, but dammit, Rozey was picking Dynasty drippings out of his mustache for a week.
ROGO: Mr. Gibson…I think I’m gonna be sick…
GIBSON: Shut up. I’m almost out of here. Point is, Dave wasn’t a quitter. And no matter if it were injuries, owners practicing collusion, or anything, Kirk F-cking Gibson never quit. And neither are you. Who cares if you only write once a week? Or once every two weeks? Whatever. But have fun, work hard, and try to entertain the people. That’s what I did. You with me?
ROGO: I guess so.
GIBSON: Say it like you have a pair, son!
ROGO: Yes, sir!
GIBSON: F-CKING SAY IT!
ROGO: F-ck yes!
GIBSON: Damn right.
ROGO: Um…I still don’t know what to write about.
GIBSON: Do what you always do. Rip off someone more talented and claim it as your own. I don’t care. Me and David Wells are going out killin’ sh-t today. Then I gotta figure out how to make those losers in Phoenix quit playing like pussies. Seeya, kid.
/backs pickup into mailbox…drives off
No promises, but I’ll write when I can throughout the offseason and quit crying wolf. This dumb blog helps to keep me sane. As always, thanks for your support.
To the anon poster that said “Don Kelly thinks you’re a f-cking quitter”, that was awesome. Made me laugh.
And yes…I really do look like that. Seeya around.