Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Your Handy Guide to This Year's Free Agent Crop
Carl Crawford, OF
*Faster than any player the Tigers have fielded since a young Nook Logan graced Comerica Park with his mediocre play.
*Was offered scholarships to play point guard at UCLA and quarterback at Nebraska, therefore could moonlight for the Pistons and/or Lions. He can’t be any worse than the idiots they have now.
*2010 Gold Glove winner. We’ll need that out there with Jhonny Peralta letting 2/3 of all balls get past him this year on the left side of the infield.
*Will cost approximately 3,600,000 Hot ‘n’ Ready pizzas per season. Yikes…that’s a lot of heartburn and diarrhea.
*African-American. With Austin Jackson on the team, Dave Dombrowski has already made his quota of black guys on the team. Crawford would most likely have to adopt a Dominican accent and change his first name to Carlo.
*Career OPS+ of 107. Considering what he is going to ask for in years/salary, may become the most overpaid player since Carlos Beltran tricked the Mets into giving him such a huge deal.
Adam Dunn, OF, 1B, DH
*Nickname is “Big Donkey”. I can hear Rod Allen giggling like a schoolgirl already.
*Unbelievable plate discipline. Surely, someone else on the team would eventually take notes, wouldn’t they? Sigh…
*Insane power and the ability to provide the protection in the lineup that Miguel Cabrera has lacked since arriving in Detroit. Dunn has the 5th lowest at bat/home run average in Major League history trailing only Mark McGwire, Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, and Jim Thome. Again, Rod Allen would benefit by being able to say “Country Strong” again, something he has been lacking since Marcus Thames left town.
*Stupid. Thinks he can play defense despite making Ryan Raburn look like Torii Hunter in the field.
*Strikes out more than Brandon Inge and Austin Jackson combined. Not that I care, but I would be forced to read stupid articles complaining about his strikeouts despite his insane OPS.
*Has been criticized for his “lack of passion” in the past. Everyone knows that most Tiger fans prefer their heroes to be scrappy and terrible (Inge, Brandon…Rhymes, Will) than unfriendly and talented (Sheffield, Gary).
Victor Martinez, C, 1B, DH
*From Venezuela. The more the merrier. If Maggs isn’t re-signed, the Mafia will need another hitman, anyway.
*Is not Gerald Laird.
*Would save us from having to watch as much of Alex Avila grounding out weakly 2-4 times each game.
*If they give him the 5 years he wants, his contract has a 99.8% chance of being the next “Carlos Guillen” problem.
*With Peralta already signed, would give us our second long-time Indian on the roster. This is unacceptable unless that second Indian is named Cliff Lee.
*Throws like a girl…with a broken arm.
More after the jump...
Magglio Ordonez, OF
*Already a hero of mine. Less players I have to complain about.
*Hates Ozzie Guillen. No need to break him in on that one.
*Won’t have to listen to OED Jen sob like a f-cking baby anymore about her boyfriend leaving town.
*Still has short hair. Looks stupid. Adam Everett is not around to pick up the slack in the “flowing locks” department.
*Less money the team will take in on jersey sales. Any Tiger fan that doesn’t already own an Ordonez jersey is a Communist.
*Isn’t as good as he used to be. We aren’t the Redskins, people.
Cliff Lee, SP
*Best lefty pitcher in the game. Tiger fans would be amazed after being subjected to southpaws like Nate Robertson, Dontrelle Willis, and Jarrod Washburn the past few years and would lose their stereotype that all left-handers are functionally retarded.
*The Yankees wouldn’t get him and ESPN would put flags at half-mast in mourning.
*Tigers might make Sportscenter once in a while with more than 3 minutes left in the program.
*Yankees are already constructing a swimming pool full of gold, Scrooge McDuck style for Lee as we speak.
*You think Jim Leyland abuses Justin Verlander’s arm? Lee’s will probably fall off by July if he signs with the Tigers.
*May have coke problem after spending so much time with Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington in Texas.
Jayson Werth, OF
*Can grow a cool beard. Avila will finally have some competition.
*Resembles both Matthew Lillard (Scream, Scooby Doo) and WWE Superstar Edge. That could be helpful to me in the future when I’m hard up for material.
*Was given up on early in his career by both Baltimore and Toronto. May have something to prove against AL teams. Imagine that…a motivated player!
*Agent is Scott Boras. Boras is a c-cksucker and will make us overpay…like he always does with us.
*Risky. Doesn’t hit nearly as well outside of Philly’s park as he does in it. Kinda like the whole Johnny Damon/Yankee Stadium factor that DD ignored last year.
*Scrappy looking. Hurts Will Rhymes’ trade value.
JJ Putz, RP
*One more time…Rod Allen. Putz. Hilarity ensues.
*Born in Trenton, MI. Won’t have to put up with him whining about how cold it is here.
*Closing experience if Jose Valverde gets hurt or struggles. Dancing experience is unavailable at this time, though.
*Played with White Sox in 2010. May be a spy. Put nothing past that rat bastard, Ozzie Guillen.
*Gets hurt as much as Joel Zumaya. I kid…no one gets hurt that much.
*Shared a dorm with Tom Brady while attending The University of Michigan. May be a douchebag.
Jim Thome, DH
*Verlander’s ERA will drop a point not having to face Thome this year.
*Familiar with AL Central as the Tigers would be the only team there he hasn’t played for. (KC doesn’t count as they aren’t a real team.)
*Putting all 10 of his nieces and nephews through college. What? I’m not allowed to like nice guys every now and then? Pricks…
*Strictly a DH. May be the only free agent out there that makes Adam Dunn look competent in the field.
*First among active players in strikeouts. Again, I’ll have to listen to people bitch about that and it’ll make me want to kill a litter of puppies in frustration.
*Looks like he could drink Miguel Cabrera under the table. We don’t need Mig trying to prove who is “the man” in the Tiger clubhouse.
Carl Pavano, SP
*We wouldn’t have to face him this year. He’s like the Thome of pitchers when it comes to the Tigers. The jerk…
*Was named the 2010 Twins Pitcher of the Year. Would be nice to stick it to them for once.
*His glorious mustache.
*Spotty past. We’ve seen enough pitchers that are often injured and prone to meltdowns, haven’t we?
*Twins know his tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. Unlike us, they learn from things like that with past players. See Jackson, Edwin to know what I’m talking about.
*His creepy mustache.
Nate Robertson, SP?
*Really, bwaaaaaaaa, hahahahahaha…
*I need material.
*Terrible at baseball.
*Seriously, he’s the worst pitcher in baseball.
*May actually somehow pitch a good game or two prompting DD to give him a 3 year/$30 million extension.
That’s all for now. And hey, Aubrey Huff and Jarrod Washburn are still out there. Just sayin’…