Thursday, February 24, 2011

Meanwhile...At The Other AL Central Spring Camps

Miguel Cabrera reported to Tiger camp today and addressed the media. He expressed regret over his actions and vowed to try and be a better person. How nice.

But Mig’s going to be fine. We need to keep a lookout on those other dastardly teams in the AL Central. Have any of you been keeping an eye on those bastards? Didn’t think so! Luckily, as usual, Your Party Host has spies everywhere to make sure we know what’s going on the in clubhouses of the enemy. Journey with me as we take a quick peek at what the Twins, Royals, Indians, and White Sox are up to.


(At Twins camp.)
JOE MAUER: Man, it’s good to be back to baseball. What a crappy winter up in the Twin Cities. But hey, the weather’s great here and I’m ready to defend the AL Central crown again.

/takes shots of horse steroid in both knees

MAUER: Ahhh…that feels good. Hey, Jason. You seen Morneau yet? Any clue how he’s doing with his concussion?
JASON KUBEL: I’m hungry.

MAUER: Okay. But have you seen Justin? We’re gonna need him healthy if we want to hold off the Tigers and White Sox, man.

KUBEL: I want some nachos. And three porterhouses. With ketchup. And some more nachos.

MAUER: Sigh. I hear there’s a good sports bar around the corner from…

/door flies open
JUSTIN MORNEAU: How’s it going, eh? You hosers have a good winter?

KUBEL: I’m hungry. Nice shirt.

MAUER: Hey, Justin. How you feeling, pal?

MORNEAU: How’s it going, eh? You hosers have a good winter?

/breathes through mouth only

MAUER: Uh oh.

/eats handful of pain killers

KUBEL: Let’s get food.

MAUER: Yeah. Right.  Justin, lead the way. Let’s get lunch.

MORNEAU: (drool running down chin) Okay, eh.

/pushes on door marked “PULL” for 20 seconds

MAUER: Oh boy. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
--------------------
(At Royals camp.)
BILLY BUTLER: Do you recognize any of these guys?
ALEX GORDON: Nope.

BUTLER: Think we’ll finish within ten games of .500 this year?

GORDON: Nope.

BUTLER:  Think DeJesus misses us?

GORDON:  Nope.

BUTLER: Wanna hit the strip club?

GORDON: Yep.
JASON KENDALL: No, he wants to stand here watching Melky Cabrera drop fly balls all f-cking day! Are you sh-tting me right now?  These f-cking questions...

/random cursing

(EDIT:  If you haven’t heard about Kendall’s incident yet, go to deadspin.com and look for it.  I tried to link to it, but since deadspin's redesign, I haven't been able to get the links to work.)
-------------------
(At Indians camp.)
MANNY ACTA: So, who are you looking forward to working with this year, Travis?
TRAVIS HAFNER: (looking over roster) Um, Jason Donald? Mitch Talbot? Josh Tomlin? I’ve never heard of half these guys and the ones I do know are ways past their prime.

ACTA: Obviously it’s time for some changes.

HAFTER: This guy’s dead!

ACTA: Cross him off then.
GRADY SIZEMORE: Smile, guys!

ACTA: My kinda team, Travvy. My kinda team.
--------------------
(At White Sox camp.)
OZZIE GUILLEN: SpanishSpanishSpanishF-CK! F-CKSpanishSpanishF-CKSpanish.

/worships Dark Lord Satan

GUILLEN: F-CKf-ckF-CKSpanishSpanishF-CK!

/kills litter of puppies

GUILLEN: C-cksuckerF-CKSpanishSpanishF-CK.
ADAM DUNN: What’d he say?
PAUL KONERKO: He says he’s thirsty. You start to understand it after a while. Don’t worry.  Get him a Yoo Hoo and he'll take a nap.  Then we can concentrate on baseball.

DUNN:  You sh-ttin' me?

KONERKO:  Welcome to Chicago, man.  Oh, and don't bend over if Pierzynski's in the shower with you.  Follow that golden rule and you'll be fine.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kendall incident link don't work.

Rogo said...

The details are at deadspin.com. They recently redesigned the site and links to it haven't been working for some reason.

Dan said...

Here is the link, nice find rogo, awesome!

http://deadspin.com/#!5768177/jason-kendall-blows-up-at-a-reporter-is-kind-of-an-asshole