Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Magical Return of a Strange Visitor from the East

Thanks for being patient with me. I hope to be back around to posting regularly within a week or so. Your Party Host has been a busy little beaver at work the past week, plus I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my recent move. We’ll get back on track with the “Know Thy Enemy” and other posts very soon. I promise. Until then, I hope you enjoy this.



Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Never afraid to beat a dead joke into the ground, it’s time once again for a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, a legend in his own mind, and Ryan Raburn’s personal outfield coach. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh great one?

I’m fine, you buffoon. I’m fine. Let us proceed before I grow weary of your stupidity. You remind me of a sports talk radio host at times. Or an LA Times sportswriter.

No need to be rude, wise one. Now, I hold in my hand a stack of envelopes. An illiterate child of four can see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within the unused Tiger scouting reports of Luke Scott. We now ask you, oh all-knowing Rogo-nac, to use your unbelievable powers to give the answers before opening the envelopes and reading their questions. Are you ready, sir?

Sure thing. Bring it.

Hermetically sealed…

Indeed.

Within the Tiger scouting reports of Luke Scott.

Where no one has apparently EVER looked. Let’s go.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have COMPLETE SILENCE!

Rogo-nac almost always receives nothing but silence.

May your team’s manager pencil Don Kelly in as the #3 hitter.

Haha…so sad. Begin, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

“Fosters” and “Brad Thomas”.

/rip…poof

What is Australian for “beer” and for “suck”?

HOHO…yes! Brad Thomas is an abortion, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

Charlie Furbush.

This can’t be good…

/rip…poof

Name the pet names Sheen and his porno girlfriend gave each other.

Hahahaha…didn’t they break up, unerring one?

Silence, you twit. May Cale Iorg be your team’s future shortstop.

/puts envelope to forehead

Herpes, gonorrhea, and crabs.

Good lord…

/rip…poof

What did Brad Penny receive from Alyssa Milano on their first date?

Zing! Hoho…what a tramp, sir. But quite attractive…how does Penny do it?

/puts envelope to forehead

Tampa Bay…Bucs?

Was that a question, sir?

/rip…poof

Where did Johnny Damon tell his wife he was playing and what was her first question about it.

Hoho..Tampa and BUCKS! That gold digger…you haven’t forgotten her, have you, sir?

May Buckeye Cable be your only apparent way to watch your favorite team.

/puts envelope to forehead

Weinhardt.

/rip…poof

What is Cabrera forbidden from drinking and what is Will Rhymes’ only good quality.

Wine and heart…hmmm. Not your best, usually awesome one.

May your backup plan at catcher be a guy named “Omir”.

May your GM empty the bank for a setup man that your manager won’t use at the proper time.

May your minors be stocked with pitchers named “Lester”, “Duane”, and “Charlie”.

Enough, sir. I apologize.

/puts envelope to forehead

Roundhouse, Robert, and Magglio Ordonez

Roundhouse…Robert…Magglio. Got it.

/rip…poof

Name a kick, a Fick, and a spi…

HYOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Watch it, oh great one. Hahaha…

/puts envelope to forehead

Stink, The Jersey Shore, the Tigers’ starting lineup

No clue where you’re going, sir…

/rip…poof

Name Schlereth’s dad, an annoying fad, and something incredibly sad.

Hahaha…oh yes.

/puts envelope to forehead

Austin Jackson and Mike Ilitch’s finances.

/rip…poof

Name the only things associated with the Tigers that are “in the black”.

Ugh…you’re reaching.

Go away. May your team ruin Jacob Turner like they did Rick Porcello.

May Lloyd McClendon be the only one you can talk to about improving your swing.

/puts envelope to forehead

Casey Daigle’s hot wife and Milton Bradley.

Okay…

/rip…poof

Who are Jennie Finch and Jose Valverde’s bitch?

HYOOOO! Milton Bradley can go to hell, sir. Yes!

/puts envelope to forehead

Rhymes and Sara Ree.

Rhymes and…who…Sara Ree?

/rip…poof

What did Fu-Te Ni say were his favorite fruits and vegetables?

HOHO…limes and celery! It NEVER gets old, Rogo-nac! Haha…

/puts envelope to forehead

Jim Leyland’s brain and Will Rhymes.

Sigh. Poor Will...

/rip…poof

Name two things too small to be useful.

Ha…ugh. Well, that was obvious.

May Richard Bernstein draw you a map to the courthouse.

/puts envelope to forehead

Auburn cheerleaders and Scott Sizemore.

What the…

Rip…poof

Name things that continue to get mindlessly screwed by Tigers.

Hohoho...I bet Cam Newton has superAIDS. Ha…

May your most promising rookie be named “Brayan”.

May a fellow blogger bully you into an unfunny Rogo-nac post.

Please, sir. The next envelope. We are nearly through.

/puts envelope to forehead

Carlos Guillen, Joel Zumaya, and Charlie Sheen.

/rip…poof

Name three people you won’t see playing in Detroit again.

Hahaha…too true. Winning, indeed.

/puts envelope to forehead

Striking out.

Striking…out. Yes.

/rip…poof

What does Rogo's hitting on an attractive woman have in common with the average Brandon Inge at bat?

Ha…yes. Both are pathetic, sir.

May Phil Coke become your personal stylist.

Hoho…okay, sir. I hold in my hands the LAST ENVELOPE!

(audience roars)

Thank the lord.

May Jim Leyland make your team’s personnel decisions.

May Al Alburquerque be your team’s most stable middle reliever.

May Max Scherzer give you pink eye.

PLEASE, SIR! The final envelope!

/puts envelope to forehead

A Miguel Cabrera homer and Don Kelly.

A Cabby homer and Kelly. Let’s hear it…

/rip…poof

Name a majestic hit and a pile of shit.

HYOOOOO! Haha, yes! Thank you, oh great one! See you next time! Have a safe trip home! Hohohohohohoho…

2 comments:

David Tokarz said...

These are fantastic. The Scott Sizemore one made me laugh so hard I woke up my roommate...

JacksTigers said...

I.... I.... I don't get it.