Monday, July 18, 2011

Dispelling the Idea of JL and DD's "Hidden Agenda"

No picking on Bill Simonson this Monday as he’s taken a break from crapping all over Jim Leyland to suck up to Jim Schwartz. I’m not linking it…find it on your own if you must.

Luckily, the freep has published one of their famous “Reader Columns” that is so beyond awful, I halfway suspect that the Troll King himself sent it in. I know I’m fighting a losing battle by continuing to attack these articles, but every time I decide I’m done, another one like this hits me in the face like a used condom in the face of a hooker.

Huh? You don’t toss your condoms in the faces of your hookers? Well aren’t you all just SO classy. Excuuuuuuse me.

This work is by a man named Al Bezaire of Beamsville, Ontario. Normally, this is where I’d make a lame joke aganst Canadians, but I met a nice enough gentleman from Toronto at the Mud Hens game Sunday night. Instead, I’ll just move past the “eh” jokes and get into this steaming pile of manure.

So take a deep breath and follow me after the jump. Be aware, though. You may become dumber for reading this drivel. I certainly did. Hopefully my childish humor will soften the blow.



An ominous black cloud has rolled over Comerica Park,
Sigh. Told ya. You do know we ended yesterday tied for first place, right? Just wanted to throw that out there to start. You’d think we were the fucking Astros the way people talk.

bringing numerous questions from loyal Detroit Tigers fans:

Actually, the “loyal” Tiger fans aren’t the ones dropping the questions on their near-first place team right now. It’s more like the “after ‘06” crowd that’s so unreasonable and ignorant. But go ahead with your questions.

What is the motivation of this team, coaching staff and organization as a whole? Is it doing whatever needs to be done to field a winning team in a very winnable division?

What kind of shampoo does Brennan Boesch use?

Where are the BEST NINE?

What happened to all the black players?

When did Andy Van Slyke grow that weird mustache?

Why don’t they trade Raburn and Inge for Roy Halladay?

What happened to that little boy that played second base earlier this year?

Or is there some hidden agenda?

Indeed. Something shady is going on. There hasn’t been a conspiracy of this type seen since poor Col. Mustard was framed in the Study with the Lead Pipe.

Damn you Miss Scarlet! Damn you to hell!

One only needs to look at the nightly lineups marched out by manager Jim Leyland to figure it out.

Christ, not this again. Does anyone out there realize that Polanco isn’t sitting on the bench? That David Wright doesn’t play in Detroit?

He routinely preaches about putting the best lineup together on a nightly basis. But he doesn't. The evidence shows that this "ideology" is nothing but lip service paid to the incredibly passive media and fans.

You obviously don’t have the internet. Did you snail mail this pile of shit to the Free Press? How much are stamps nowadays? Do they still make stamps?

It may be easier to find Jimmy Hoffa than a critical word about Leyland and Co. in the mainstream media.

Yes. Leyland is never criticized. I’m amazed you’ve had the balls to do such a thing. You are a hero and a patriot. Next you might claim that no one ever criticizes Barry Bonds for using steroids.

But serious debate has begun to build in, arguably, one of the most loyal fans bases in baseball.

Ask Dmitri Young, Willie Hernandez, Bobby Higginson, Craig Monroe, and now Brandon Inge and Ryan Raburn how loyal this fan base is. Tiger fans are awful unless your name is Trammell, Kaline, or Gibson. Sorry, but it’s true. A majority of Tiger fans make Benedict Arnold look like Al Cowlings.

Pride, stubbornness and undeserved loyalty threaten to be bigger obstacles to the Tigers than do the Indians and White Sox. 

AL CENTRAL STANDINGS
Cleveland
Detroit
Pride
Undeserved Loyalty
Chicago
Stubbornness
Minnesota
Kansas City

Well, I’ll be damned. But I have to remind you that Pride just had two starters go on the DL. Undeserved Loyalty, ironically, is having attendance issues and probably can’t add anyone at the trade deadline. And Stubbornness has so many games in that hitter’s ballpark with the Yanks and Sawx still on the schedule.

I’m more worried about the White Sox. Sorry.

With the recent panic firing of pitching coach Rick Knapp
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: What a beautiful day. Sun is shining. Birds are chirping. No one suspects my hidden agenda of turning the Tigers into a MLS team. I think I’ll head over to Five Guys and get me some…is that a...!!!
DOMBROWSKI: It's a mouse! Oh my gawd! (pulls out phone) Hey, Rick? I’m freaking out! You’re fired! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

the Tigers are (attempting) to send a message of accountability: You don't perform, there will be consequences. Unless your last name is McClendon or Lamont, and you happen to be old buddies with the manager.

Sigh…poor Lloyd. Alex Avila hit his way into the All-Star game. Brennan Boesch his rebounded from a tough finish to last year. Austin Jackon’s average has jumped over 50 points in the past couple jokes. But hasn’t-hit-in-ten-years-Inge and never-hits-til-August-Raburn struggle and it’s ALL Lloyd’s fault.

As for Lamont, well, fuck him. But he’s Leyland’s best friend. He’s the Bubba to JL’s Forrest. I think it’s kind of sweet.

This is also the same organization that marches out two of the most polarizing players in Tigers history: Brandon Inge and Ryan Raburn.

Po-lar-ize: To cause to concentrate about two conflicting or contrasting positions.

Um…they both suck AND blow? That is a difficult thing to pull off, in their defense.

These players are owed a combined $12.9 million over this season and the next.

Actually, I'm pretty sure it's $14.4 million, $11 million of which to Inge. And a quarter of it has already been paid. I assume your error comes in converting US dollars to Canadian. But go on, if you must.

In turn, they have rewarded the Tigers by hitting .180 and .214 respectively. Any organization that held players accountable would not allow them to be on the roster long enough to put up those types of numbers.

So due to a slow start, you flush $12.9 million (or $14.4 million) down the toilet? One one player who has been the, for better or worse, face of your franchise for a decade? And for another guy that put up very good numbers for you in 2009 and 2010 at multiple positons? You don’t give them a little leeway, especially when one has been ravaged by injury and illness and the other is a notorious second-half hitter? And when you don't have a better option on the bench?

Should they have been given those deals? Inge, no, Raburn, yes. But you didn’t ask that.

How does one think these types of performances would hold up in Boston, New York or St. Louis?

JD Drew, Boston, hitting .225/.325/.313, making $14 million. Still on team

Jorge Posada, New York, hitting .226/.311/.387, making $13.1 million. Still on team.

Jake Westbrook, St. Louis, 5.26 ERA and 1.58 WHIP, making $8 million. Still on team.

Or if you insist on a hitter, the Cards gave $8 million this year to a guy that hit .248 last year and appeared to be washed up. Luckily, Lance Berkman’s turned out well for them. But even if he hadn’t, he’d still be on the team.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is go fuck yourself.

They would've been shipped out of town long ago and perhaps joined by the manager for being an accessory to such a debacle. 

Untrue. And stupid. So stupid.

General manager Dave Dombrowski and Leyland are much too proud to have the intestinal fortitude to bench or release the $12.9 million in salaries.

Oh, sure. Do the names Gary Sheffield, Nate Robertson, or Dontrelle Willis mean anything to you? How about Damien Easley? Dave and Jim are a lot of things: poor dressers, liars, closet Klan members (maybe)…but they’re certainly not afraid to get rid of anyone.

That would confirm what Tigers fans have known all along: that these two signings were utterly atrocious. 

Eat a bag of dicks. Until this year's slow start, Raburn's deal was being applauded. Cockface. Everyone seems to forget that now.

Why was there the rush to re-sign Inge only weeks into the postseason?

The free agent third basemen entering the offseason were going to be Inge, Pedro Feliz, Miguel Tejada, and Adrian Beltre. That's about it. Beltre was going to be way, way too expensive. And the team correctly chose to sign the beloved Inge over the aging Tejada or some other schmuck. Their mistake was giving him two years. I still don’t get that one.

It's not like any other team would offer him a contract, let alone one worth $10.5 million. This stubbornness

How is it stubborn to sign a third baseman that’s been with your forever and has sold you a gazillion dollars worth of fat-girl-Inge shirts? Dave signed the best third baseman available. Did he give him too much? Yeah, but in baseball that happens.

Look at Derek Jeter. He’s the face of the Yankee franchise and isn’t worth half of the $48 million he’ll get the next three years. But you, of course, think the Yanks will cut him if he doesn’t produce because you’re dumb and possibly from the planet Dipshit.

Is Inge a Derek Jeter? No. For one, he can still play defense. Ha. And he’s still a guy that’s been around for a decade, has helped hundreds in the community, always been a good guy, has played super defense in the past, hit a lot of home runs, and been a hero to thousands. Do I like him? No, I never have. But I understand.

will once again cost the Tigers a place in the postseason, as it did in 2009, when Leyland continued to start Inge every day despite batting a stellar .186 after the All-Star break.

For one, fuck you for already deciding we’re not going to make the playoffs. Some loyal fan you are, you jackoff.

And for two, do you want to know why we missed the 2009 season?

1. The Twins went on an unprecedented streak the last two months of the season.
2. Don Kelly lost a ball in the Metrodome roof
3. The umps fucked us by missing Inge get hit in Game 163.
4. A hundred other things. Did Leyland continue to start Inge too much down the stretch? Probably. But the guy was an all-star that year, hitting 27 home runs, and you can’t just give up on your players when they start to struggle. Especially when you don’t have a significantly better option to replace him with.

Meanwhile, players who have played more then admirably when (rarely) called upon, such as Don Kelly and Ramon Santiago, continue to find themselves riding the pine. 

Kelly: 78 OPS+, hitting .239
Santiago: 63 OPS+, hitting .225

You call that admirable? Stick to hockey, hoser. Also, for your “rarely” comment, Kelly has played in 60 games this year, 9 less than Inge. Kelly plays too much, if anything.

This reminds me of a year or two ago when I was watching (for some reason) a San Francisco 49ers game. The quarterback, Alex Smith, was having a bad game. The Frisco crowd began chanting for backup QB David Carr, who has been nothing but an abortion in his NFL career. Every player cannot be an all-star, people. And replacing a struggling player with a shitty player is not progress.

It is madness.

Danny Worth was sent to the minors. Scott Sizemore was traded for a vagabond pitcher (David Purcey) with control issues. That's sending a message of accountability?

Danny Worth is not the answer. Sizemore, though I still strongly disagree with the Purcey trade, wasn’t producing either. If Sizemore were still starting at second and hitting .200, you’d be crying about that, too.

Perhaps the Tigers missing the playoffs will be a blessing in disguise.

Die of superaids. It’s July 18th and we’re a game back/ahead (depending on the hour) in a shitty division. I hate you.

Dombrowski, Leyland & Co. will not be extended (with the exception of Tom Brookens),

I love how Brookens always gets a pass from these angry fans. Tommy, who I love, for the record, coaches first base and the outfielders on defense. First base coaches are pretty much useless. And Brennan Boesch is not exactly progressing much as a fielder. The only impressive thing Brookens has done this year is not crack up laughing when Leyland had his breakdown with the first base umpire a couple weeks back. Why aren’t people after the head of Tommy boy like they are Lloyd, Lamont, and Leyland?

And while I’m asking, does anyone even know who Rafael Belliard is?

Inge and Raburn will be released by the new GM, and finally, the old alliances of loyalty that have hindered any real progress in this organization will be broken, and accountability will reign true.

O’er the land of the free…and the home of the brave. Play ball!

Thank you, Detroit Free Press, for yet another thrilling reader column. Anything to make your shitty writers seem better, I guess.

I think that may be the true hidden agenda.

7 comments:

Spockmaster said...

as soon as i saw that article, i knew you'd go after it.

hah, superaids.  keep up the great work!

Russell White said...

Before anyone writes a column or comment on anything, they should be able to name ten players on the 2003 team without working the Google on the internet machine.

The Rafael Belliard thing made me think of the street in Chasing Amy with the crisp $100 bill in the center.  Which one is going to get the hundred dollar bill first?

Jennifer Cosey said...

"What happened to that little boy that played second base earlier this year?"

Ha.  Poor flea.

fitz said...

And while I’m asking, does anyone even know who Rafael Belliard is?

Didn't he hit a big hit for the Braves in a World Series or something?

Justin said...

You are a god among men. Your posts always brighten my day.

Brandon S. said...

Carlos Guillen now has more RBIs and home runs for the season than Lil'Will Rhymes (in 58 less at bats).

Kyle said...

On behalf of all Canadians, I apologize again. First Celine Dion, now this? Sorry guys.