Friday, July 29, 2011

Meanwhile...A New Player Arrives in Cleveland

MANNY ACTA: Team! Gather around. First off, I just want to say how proud I am of all of you. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gave you men a chance at finishing any higher than fourth in this division. And look at you. Second place at the end of July. Despite injuries, inexperience, and just plain being overmatched much of the time, you’ve all played hard-nosed baseball, took names, and kicked ass. I can’t thank you enough. Well, except you, Fausto. You suck.
FAUSTO CARMONA: Awwww…

ACTA: Anyway, the trade deadline is almost here. And believe it or not, ownership believes in you guys and even though we’re in a playoff race and still can’t draw flies to our ballpark, they’ve decided to be buyers and get us some help. It’s no secret that our outfield lacks punch with Grady on the DL yet again.
GRADY SIZEMORE: I’m still leading the league in attempted rapes, though, Skip!

ACTA: Shut up, Grady. Like I was saying, they’ve made a trade with the Cubs to bring us a real international star. A Japanese star.
TRAVIS HAFNER: PRONK FIGHT GODZILLA NOW? PRONK HIT GODZILLA IN PEE PEE.

ACTA: No, not Godzilla, Trav. Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, Mr. Kosuke Fukudome!

/clubhouse door opens



KOSUKE FUKUDOME: Herro Creverand prayers. I am honoled to pray fol you shitty.

/bows

CARMONA: Play shitty? That another shot at me? Man…

ACTA: City, Fausto. He’s honored to play for this city. Never speak again.

HAFNER: HI, CHOO. WHERE NEW GUY?

FUKUDOME: Choo? Who is Choo?

ACTA: Travis, don’t be silly. This is Kosuke Fukudome. Not Shin-Soo Choo. Choo’s on the disabled list, too. You know that.

HAFNER: PRONK CONFUSED. WHY CALL CHOO FOOKOODOMEY?

SIZEMORE: Wait, I thought he said “fuck you, do me”. Is this some Asian pimp? Where the hoes at, Short Round?

ACTA: Guys, please. Fukudome is our new outfielder from Japan. Choo is our old outfielder from Korea. There’s a difference. Don’t be racist.

/puts on hat with Chief Wahoo on it

FUKUDOME: Kolea? Did you say Kolea? Where is Kolean balbalian?

ACTA: Barbarian? You don’t like Koreans, Kosuke?

FUKUDOME: Japan and Korea have curtular diffelences. That all I say on matter.

HAFNER: YOU TALK FUNNY, NEW CHOO. HAR HAR HAR!

ACTA: Hafner! Shut your ignorant pie hole! Sorry, Kosuke. These boys don’t mean any harm, but they’re not the most politically correct guys in the world.

/puts on Chief Wahoo t-shirt

FUKUDOME: Is okay. I happy to be hele and herp team win.

/door flies open
SHIN-SOO CHOO: WHERE NEW PRAYER?

HAFNER: HOLY PICKLES! TWO CHOOS! PRONK DREAMING?

FUKUDOME: I new prayer. You have plobrem, Kolean dog?

CHOO: Dog? DOG? How dale you, Japanese pig. At reast realn ranguage befole coming hele.

FUKUDOME: Me realn ranguage? You the one tarking funny.

CHOO: All you selious? I no can undelstand you!

FUKUDOME: I no can undelstand you!

CARMONA: Does anyone want to hang out with me later?

EVERYONE: NO!

ACTA: Okay, enough of this crap! Guys, this needs to stop. Choo, you’ve been a beast for us here in Cleveland. Just because no one else in the country has a clue who you are doesn’t mean you’re not one of the best players in the game. And Kosuke, you were brought in to be a key part of this team’s playoff run. This isn’t about Korea and Japan. This is about Cleveland. This is about winning this division! This is about making it okay for the nearly five thousand fans that support us to be PROUD of being Indians fans again! You hear me?

FUKUDOME: I heal you. Many aporogies.

/bows

ACTA: Choo?

HAFNER:  BLESS YOUS, NEW COACH WEDGE.

ACTA:  Quiet!  Shin-Soo...are you in?

CHOO: Hmph. I good teammate. We pray togethel in peace.

ACTA: There we go! One big, happy family! And Carmona.

CARMONA: Hey!

ACTA: This is great. Get ready for the stretch run, boys! We’re gonna give this city something to be proud of!

/puts on Chief Wahoo jacket

SIZEMORE: Sweet. So hey, Kosuke, do they have roofies in Japan?

FUKUDOME: What is loofie?

SIZEMORE: Heh heh…I’ll show you.

3 comments:

Detroit4lyfe said...

::starts slow clap::

Well done, sir

StretchTB said...

The "One big, happy family! And Carmona." bit killed me... ohhh man.. great stuff!

Jay Hathaway said...

"Well, except you, Fausto. You suck."
Comedy gold, dude.