Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Secret Manager Search, Volume 5

Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Yes, sir. You asked for me? I got here as soon as I could.
MIKE ILITCH: It’s about time, Donald!

DOMBROWSKI: David, sir.

ILITCH: That’s what I said. Now Dan, do you value your job? Are you aware that your contract is almost up?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course, sir. Of course.

ILITCH: Well, my pool boy informed me that we lost two of three to the White Sox this week. It doesn’t seem like you value your job, does it? We should be winning more. If Paco the pool boy is unhappy, than my Marion is unhappy for some reason. I don’t quite get that. But if Marion’s unhappy, well, then I am unhappy. How hard is it to sign a player or two, Doug? Huh? If I wanted to, I could pick up the phone and have Kris Draper or Rob Niedermayer in a Tigers uniform by noon tomorrow!

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sorry, sir. It’s…it’s Leyland, sir. He must be the problem.

ILITCH: Then you’d better have a solution. It’s been a while since you brought me a new managerial prospect, D’Brickashaw. Who do you have in mind now?

DOMBROWSKI: D’Brickashaw? Really? Um…err…give me five minutes!

/4 minutes, 53 seconds later

DOMBROWSKI: I have him, sir. I’m, uh, you’ll be impressed, I’m sure.

ILITCH: Wonderful, Duke! Where is he?

/door flies open


EAT EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

DOMBROWSKI: Here he is, sir. A man with deep ties to the city of Detroit. Much like yourself.

ILITCH: Excellent. A Michigan native, that’s nice. And what is your name, sir?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

ILITCH: I see. Well, Mr. Up, thank you for coming on such short notice. Dennis, wherever did you find this man?

DOMBROWSKI: Um…well…he’s an associate of the management at Comerica Park, as I understand it. He’s been scouting MLB baseball for years, I believe. He attends every Tiger home game, too. Um, isn’t that right?

EEUT GUY: EAT ‘EM UP!

/urinates on floor

DOMBROWSKI: Good lord.

ILITCH: Splendid. A scout. It would be nice to have a managerial candidate with a solid baseball background for a change. And don’t worry about the urine. We have people to clean that. Happens to me all the time. Tell me, Mr. Up, how would you handle holding off the other teams in our division this year?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

/steals all M&M’s from candy dish

ILITCH: Exactly! Eat them up! You, sir, are a go-getter! David, why didn’t you bring me this man sooner?

DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, I…oh my, did you call me David?

ILITCH: Indeed I did, Dave. Mr. Up, would you care for a slice of Little Caesars pizza?

EEUT GUY: EAT IT UP!

/eats entire slice in one bite

//wipes mouth on Dombrowski’s sleeve

DOMBROWSKI: Yuck. Please, sir.

ILITCH: Now, in regards to the coaching staff…is there anyone you’d want to keep on, if you were hired?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

ILITCH: A cannibal, huh? Hmm. Not sure if we can condone that here. What about baseball philosophy? Are you a fan of bunting? Hit and run?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! EAT ‘EM UP!

/shits pants

ILITCH: Oooh. Um, Mr. Up, what kind of lineup would you prefer to put on the field?

EEUT GUY: EAT ‘EM UP!

ILITCH: Hmm. David, may I have a moment in private with you?

DOMBROWSKI: Um…of course, sir.

ILITCH: (whispering) My friend, I think the management at Comerica Park may have misled you. I don’t think this man is an associate of theirs. In fact, judging by the bugs crawling around in his hair and the extreme amount on feces on his clothes, he may even be homeless. I’m afraid you may have had another joke played on you today, though it was a good one. He had me fooled, too, and I’m not an easy man to put one over on.

DOMBROWSKI: (whispering) You don’t say. I’m in shock.

ILITCH: Yes. I’m afraid so. This will not do. Mr. Up? I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to stay with Mr. Leyland for a while longer. Thank you for stopping by. If you’ll excuse me, I have to meet Marion at the tennis club. We are playing the Fords in doubles today. Good day, sir. And Diego? Start winning.

/leaves

DOMBROWSKI: It’s Dave…sir. Sigh. That went well.

EEUT GUY: Perhaps I should have informed him of my extensive research in sabermetrics and how I feel the team could increase their winning percentage by a significant amount by focusing on athletes with a higher on base percentage, as well as stockpiling draft picks for some of our lower pitching prospects that may be blocked at the higher organizational levels.

DOMBROWSKI: Maybe.

EEUT GUY: What a shame. Well, I bid you good day, sir. May I have a dollar?

DOMBROWSKI: Get out.

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em UUUUUUUUUUUUP!

1 comment:

H2OPoloPunk said...

Nice imagery and final twist. It played out very well in my head.