Monday, July 25, 2011

(Yet Another) Visit With the Stranger From the East

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you don’t know who Carnac the Magnificent is, I hate you because you’re probably much younger than I am. If you don’t understand this bit, that’s why Al Gore invented Youtube. Previous episodes of Rogo-nac the Tremendous can be found here. On that note…
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. As welcome as Jason Grilli at Comerica Park, it is now time once again for a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, the smartest man he knows, and Wilson Betemit’s personal arm strength coach. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh great one?

I’m fine…I’m fine. I don’t remember that step being there…perhaps I’ll blame it on Dave Dombrowski for no reason.

A common practice, superior one. Now, I hold in my hand a large stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Richard Bernstein could see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within the scouting report given to Justin Verlander on Jim Thome. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline-divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. Are you ready, sir?

I guess…assuming we have time. You talk a lot…

Hermetically sealed…

I understand.

Within Verlander’s scouting reports of Jim Thome.

Where no one seemingly has ever looked. Let’s get on with this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!



Rogo-nac must have COMPLETE SILENCE!

Rogo-nac often receives nothing but silence.

May your team’s big mid-season trade acquisition be rumored to be Jeremy Guthrie.

Yuck. Please sir, the first envelope.


/puts envelope to forehead

A panda, a tiger chameleon, and a blue-sided tree frog.

/rip…poof

Name three things more endangered than David Purcey in the bullpen.

Hoho…yes. I hope they release him, sir.


/puts envelope to forehead

Drooling, illiteracy, and whining.

Hmmm…okay.

/rip…poof

What are the three main qualities needed to comment at mLive?

YES! Oh, hohoho…you sound like an editor at Bless You Boys when you say that.


/puts envelope to forehead

The Tooth Fairy and a clean inning from Daniel Schlereth.

/rip…poof

Name two things that don’t exist.

Ugh…Schlereth is awful, oh great one. Correct again.


/puts envelope to forehead

A keg of beer, a loaf of rye, and one of the FSD girls.

Beer…rye…one of the lovely FSD girls. Yes.

/rip…poof

Name three things that have yeast.

HIYOOOOO…hohoho…uncalled for. Those girls are beautiful and talented young women. And haven’t you used that joke before with other…

May a blogger that updates their site twice a month pester you into more unfunny Rogo-nac bits.

Oh…sorry.


/puts envelope to forehead

Click, click, boom!

Click, click, boom…

/rip…poof

Describe the sound Joel Zumaya’s arm makes.

Hahaha…poor Joel. Will he ever return to us?


/puts envelope to forehead

Growth in employment, cheap gasoline, and Brandon Inge.

/rip…poof

Name three things you won’t find in Detroit for a while.

HOHOHOHOHOHO…poor Brandon. What will Wal-Mart do without the sales of his plus-sized female jerseys?


/puts envelope to forehead

Daffy, Norris, and Lynn Henning.

/rip…poof

Name a duck, a Chuck, and a schmuck.

Heh…uhhh. Not your best.

May your team’s playoff chances rest on Carlos Guillen staying healthy.


/puts envelope to forehead

Home Sweet Home.

HOME SWEET HOME! A nice idea…

/rip…poof

If the folks leaving comments at mLive had their way, where will Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski be spending 2012?

Haha…no making them happy, sir. No…way.


/puts envelope to forehead

A living room, a bathroom floor, and Mario Impemba?

Whaaa…?

/rip…poof

Name three things that would look better with a rug.

HOHOHO…YES! Poor Mario. If only he had Ryan Field’s luck with hair. Hoho…go ahead, sir.


/puts envelope to forehead

“Born in the USA”

Springsteen song…yes.

/rip…poof

What song has 90% of the Tiger organization never sung?

Haha…dating yourself again, oh awesome one.

May you wake up with ugly tattoos of your children’s names on your forearms.


/puts envelope to forehead

Rape, murder, and Latinos eating rice and beans.

UH OH…

/rip…poof

Name three topics condemned by Yahoo reporters.

Hahahaha…Big League Stew can go to hell. YES!


/puts envelope to forehead

Ginger snaps.

GINGER…snaps?

/rip…poof

What do most Tiger fans hope David Purcey does to his arm?

HAHA…he’s a ginger. Godless people, sir. Yes.

May Casey Anthony mother your next child.

Ooooh…uncalled for, great one. The next envelope, please.


/puts envelope to forehead

Cheetah, CM Punk, and Casper Wells.

Hmmm…

/rip…poof

Name a chimp, a champ, and a chump.

Hohoho…come back soon, Casper. Poor guy.


/puts envelope to forehead

Richard Bernstein, Frederick Porcello, and Ryan Raburn.

Don’t get us sued, sir…

/rip…poof

Name a Dick, a Rick, and a hick.

Hahaha…hey, that hillbilly’s hitting again. WHO could have predicted that other than the GREAT ROGO-NAC?

Quiet. May you receive texts every two minutes from someone named “Spaghetti”?

Huh?

Never mind. Next one…


/puts envelope to forehead

Jello and the FSD Girls.

Oh no…not again…

/rip…poof

What looks delicious, quivers all over, and can’t talk.

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOO…yes.


/puts envelope to forehead

Wet dirt, Elmer, and Cale Iorg.

Wait…wet dirt, Elmer, and Cale Iorg?

/rip…poof

Name some mud, a Fudd, and a dud.

Ha! He’s awful. Indeed. Shortstop of the future, we were told. Hoho…


/puts envelope to forehead

2011

2011…YEAR OF THE TIGER! Haha…

Can we go on?

Yes. Sorry. 2011.

/rip…poof

How many surgeries has Carlos Guillen had in the past three years?

Awww…poor Carlos. He’s doing well, great one!

May your catching depth consist of Max St. Pierre, and Omir Santos.

Yuck! The next one, mighty one.


/puts envelope to forehead

Ryan Raburn in the first half, Rick Porcello, and Miguel Cabrera.

/rip…poof

Name a funk, a hunk, and a drunk.

Oooooh…haha…Miguel’s got it under control, sir. Be nice.


/puts envelope to forehead

Kid lick

Kid…lick? Where are you going here…

/rip…poof

How does Fu-Te Ni say “Kid Rick”?

BWAAA, hahahaha…you racist bastard, you. Go on…LOTS of envelopes today!


/puts envelope to forehead

A guy with a mistress and an umpire in a Tiger game.

/rip…poof

Name two people that cheat.

Haha…bastards, indeed.


/puts envelope to forehead

A cake contest, a spasm of the diaphragm, and a beer at Comerica Park.

/rip…poof

Name a bake-off, a hiccough, and a rip off.

Haaaa…ugh. Not your finest.

Shut up. May your only daughter wake up in a seedy hotel room paid for by Casper Wells.


/puts envelope to forehead

Two men in their 60’s.

Two men in their sixties. Okay.

/rip…poof

Describe Jim Leyalnd and the real author of the April in the D blog?

HOHO…leave those nice girls alone, great sage! Haha…


/puts envelope to forehead

Cheese, corn, and Brad Thomas.

Eeeew…

/rip…poof

Name three things that get creamed quite often.

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO…can’t believe you took this long to mention Thomas, wise one. Hahaha…


/puts envelope to forehead

A spare tire, a car jack, and David Purcey.

/rip…poof

Name three things that belong in Jim Leyland’s trunk.

Hahaha…kill the bastard. Yes….awful.


/puts envelope to forehead

Purcey, Furbush, and AJ Pierzynski.

Again…oh no…

/rip…poof

Name three things that kind of sound like vaginas.

HIYOOOOO…HAHAHAHA…potty humor at its finest.


/puts envelope to forehead

A homer and a double, catcher’s and first baseman’s, and Britney Spears.

Okay…

/rip…poof

Name two big hits, two big mitts, and…a famous pop star.

HAHAHA…YOWZA! You had me going there…good lord, how many are there this time?


/puts envelope to forehead

James Brown and Bill Simonson.

/rip…poof

Who are the “Godfather of Soul” and the “King of the Trolls”?

Ha…yes. Can’t wait to see what wisdom he brings us on Monday…


/puts envelope to forehead

Tylonel, Bufferin, and watching Don Kelly play baseball.

Here we go again…poor Donnie…

/rip…poof

Name two headache remedies and the reason you’d need them.

Hahahahahaha…he was ON FIRE today!  Hoho...THREE MORE! Thank goodness…


/puts envelope to forehead

Jessica Alba, Betty White, and Lassie.

Ummm…okay…

/rip…poof

Who are the only three bitches in Hollywood Brad Penny hasn’t banged yet?

HIYOOOOOOOO! Hohohoho…Penny gets around, doesn’t he?


/puts envelope to forehead

A nail, a board, and the Tigers in the second half.

Oh, boy…

/rip…poof

Name something that’s hammered, something that’s nailed, and something that’s screwed.

BOOOO! Be more positive, mighty sage!

May Jim Leyland manage your bullpen like Ken Lay managed Enron.

Haha…okay, sir. I hold in my hands the LAST ENVELOPE!

(audience roars)

FINALLY!

May your team trade Scott Sizemore for an idiot and some magic beans.

Please, sir.

May Andy Dirks become your manager’s new favorite player.

The final envelope, sir! Please!


/puts envelope to forehead

The side of the Titanic, an open well, and Don Kelly’s mom.

/rip…poof

Name three holes that should have been sealed shut.

HIYOOOOOOOOOO! YES! Hahahahahaha! Wonderful, sir! Thank you, oh great one! Visit us again, soon! Hahahahahahahaha...

3 comments:

JacksTigers said...

These things make a lot more sence when you look up the youtube video to figure out what the hell your talking about.

H2OPoloPunk said...

::applause::

Great ode to Johnny Carson; I could totally hear his and McMahon's voices while reading this. I always loved this bit.

Jay Hathaway said...

That is shum weird, wild shtuff.   May you spend eternity getting hotfoots from Justin Verlander!