Thursday, August 18, 2011

Brain Farts from @PhilCokesBrain, Vol 2

So how does a guy recently nominated for Most Valuable Blogger by CBS Detroit (vote now, you ingrates!) show how much he deserves the award? By cutting and pasting from my email a submission from Twitter sensation @PhilCokesBrain, that's how! Woo hoo!

So what does @Phil have in store for us all this week? Does he have the secret to His Cokeness suddenly not being a KFC dumpster fire on the mound lately? Will he let us know which Tiger is now leading the team in date rapes with Casper out of town? Does he have fond memories of the FOX sitcom "Herman's Head"?

Only one way to find out. Take it away, @PhilCokesBrain.

Phil's Brain Farts:
 
Perhaps many of you have noticed that I am awesome again. Some say it is because my ankle is now fully healed. Skip thinks it is because I'm settling back into my relief role. Only I know the truth. I have only improved because of all the fans who yelled “YOU SUCK PHIL!” Wow, I cannot tell you how much that helped. Thank you for your contribution to improving the Tigers. I applaud your efforts. When you yell “YOU SUCK” you understand why I point at fly-balls. It helps!
 
So, we have a new outfielder. How good is it to have Delmon on the team!? Yeah, I don't know the answer to that question either. Probably about medium good.
 
Justin has pitched really well lately. For him to be any more dominant he'd need to take a whip to the mound and wear a patent leather thong and mask.
 
Speaking of things ladies love, Will was back with the team briefly. He's always on the short list of potential call ups.
 
Wow, Alex Avila has been crushing the ball. Heather Nabozny thinks he can rake! Our assistant GM has been so impressed with Alex's performance he had sex with his mom. And talk about durable, Alex catches all the time. Thank you to the scientists who found a way to transmutate durability from Carlos to Alex. Works like a charm.
 
Did you see that Jim Thome hit his 600th career home run against us? I wonder how many he has total.
 
Poor Skip has taken a lot of heat lately. And we all thought firing Rick Knapp was the answer, go figure. People wonder why Jim doesn't play Wilson Betemit more, and that's a fair question, but think of it this way. Say you have a favorite dog, let's call the dog Don. And you get a new puppy, let's call him....say Wilson. When you are down to your last doggy treat who gets it? It's the old faithful dog who's been at your feet the whole time fetching your papers and licking your hand. See what I'm saying? Don is a manager's best friend. Don't worry too much though Skip, when Bill Simonson calls you dumb you know you are on the right track. What his listener thinks shouldn't concern you too much either.
 
If you want to see what I think when I'm not under the influence of a 2-liter of Mr. Pibb and an entire supermarket rotisserie chicken, you can check me out on twitter @PhilCokesBrain.

3 comments:

Wardb4 said...

Awesome piece. Comical yet informative & deep.

Captain Morgan said...

good stuff

jason said...

Thank you Phil Coke for pointing at fly balls.  I regularly get confused on if the ball is going up or down, and I freely admit, that split second before you identify the hit as a fly ball is probably the most terrifying split second of my life.  Is it up?   Thank god you clear that up.