(On a slightly snowy road, west of Ann Arbor…)
SPORTS TALK RADIO HOST: The Tigers are rumored to be interested in acquiring Daniel Murphy from the New York Mets to play third base in 2012…
/changes radio station
INGE: There we go! Baby, baby, baby ooh. Like baby, baby, baby ooh…I thought you’d always be mine! Man, that voice is just pure honey. Who DOESN’T have Bieber Fever?
/hits tiny ice patch
INGE: Golly! This isn’t gonna be good!
/crashes into four more morons too stupid to drive in 1/8 inch of snow
INGE: Jumpin’ gee willikers! I hope no one is hurt!
/rushes to closest car
INGE: Hey! You okay in there, pal?
/car door shoots open
INGE: Gary? Is that you? You okay, buddy?
SHEFFIELD: Aw shit, Brenden. That you? Of all the white boys in PT Cruisers drivin’ around, YOUR DUMB ASS gotta be the one to run into Sheff? Hmm…whatever. Oh, my back!
INGE: Your back was messed up when we played together, Gary.
SHEFFIELD: Shit. My LEG!
INGE: That, too.
/five minutes of uncomfortable silence
SHEFFIELD: Ya know what…FUCK YOU, Brenden!
INGE: Sorry, Gary. Luckily, everyone seems to be okay. How about this weather, huh?
SHEFFIELD: Brenden, Sheff hates you. Damn…how Sheff gonna get paid now? Hey…HEY! You over there! You saw this boy drive like a nutcase into Sheff, right?
INGE: Wow. He really gets around. Look, Gary. You know this wasn’t anyone’s fault. Silly weather. Here. I’ve got ten bucks on me. That help?
SHEFFIELD: Why you cheap mutha…wait. That’s TWO Cold Cut Combos for Sheff! You gotta deal, son. Now get outta here before Sheff decides to fake a neck injury!
INGE: Later, Gary. Good luck, my friend.
SHEFFIELD: Suck my…
In case you didn’t hear, Brandon Inge was involved in a six car accident this morning. Luckily, no one was hurt, including Brandon.