Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Guest and I Play Over/Under For the Tigers' 2011 Season

It’s almost time. The 2011 Season is about to begin. Can you feel it? Smell it? Taste it?

Can you? Weirdos. Ha.

Instead of the usual standard preview for you to read, I decided to come up with ten numbers related to the Tigers this year. Then, I’ll play over/under with than number on how I think the player or team will perform. As a little bonus, I thought I’d get a different voice to get their opinion on each number to compare and/or contrast mine. I wanted to get someone that I both like and respect for this. Sadly, I didn’t decide on doing this until around 5pm today and had to get Jen Cosey from Old English D instead. Wocka, wocka…

I kid, of course. Jen’s the biggest Tiger fan I know, my best friend in the Tiger Blogosphere, and hopefully can lend some sanity to whatever bizarre conclusions I come up with. A small warning, though. Jen sometimes uses big words and doesn’t curse. She will be very out of place here. But be nice to her anyway.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

Know Thy Enemy: New York Yankees

I’m trying out a new gimmick this season called “Know Thy Enemy” where I’ll profile each team before we play them the first time. I mean we all know that Mig and JV are awesome, Don Kelly and Brad Thomas are terrible, and Jim Leyland is going to make ridiculous decisions that will make us want to choke a homeless person at one time or another. But it’s important to know what to expect from the other silly franchises that make up Major League Baseball.

Thursday is Opening Day and we’re playing the crown jewel of the league, the New York Fackin’ Yankees. Lucky us.

Monday, March 28, 2011

2011 Tigers Team Preview: Good Things, Bad Things, and Random Things

No attempt at a witty introduction today, kids. Simply put, I thought I’d go through the team’s roster and list what I consider to be the best and worst things about each player. In addition, I’ll try to find some random fact about each guy that you may not have known before. I live to inform.

Sound fun? No?

Tough. Write your own damn blog…

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Feeding the Troll that is T.J. Simers

T.J. Simers must be happier than a pig rolling around in its own excrement. Everyone is talking about him today. His treatment of ex-Tiger Marcus Thames has drawn the ire of columnists all over the country, especially in the Detroit area where Marcus spent so many seasons. Marcus’ old Tiger and Yankee teammate, Curtis Granderson, as well as legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons have defended Thames on Twitter due to Simers’ awful recent piece. People are emailing him and giving him the attention that the shameless whore was trying to get all along by attacking the unsuspecting new Dodger. You can tell he’s happy, too, because he’s already at it again.

Don’t bother clicking on that link. I’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to urge readers to not email Simers or his boss anymore about this. That is what he wants and angry Detroit-area fans have fed this troll enough the way it is. Controversy creates cash, people. I had never heard of the man before yesterday, but I’ve done some checking up on him since writing the first piece.

The man is a gimmick. He treats players like garbage, tries to goad them into saying something unkind, and then he blasts them for it. He’s been doing it for years on the west coast. From Kobe Bryant to Manny Ramirez, no one has escaped his juvenile nonsense. He has goaded ex-pitcher Kevin Brown into throwing things in the clubhouse. Ex-Bear and Charger quarterback Jim McMahon once blew his nose on Simers after one snide question too many. And if a player in Simers’ sights remains silent like Marcus Thames did, he’ll repeatedly insult them and try and make himself sound like a tough guy.

He’s a bully. Like the big, insecure kid on the playground hassling the quiet kids that can’t defend themselves, TJ Simers stalks his prey at the Dodgers spring camp. He has a forum in the LA Times and he picks on the rich athletes that he is obviously insanely jealous of. He is a joke and a fraud. And much like shock jocks on the radio getting ratings, the controversy he creates leads to page clicks. TJ Simers is the nasty pimple on the ass that American sportswriting is turning into. What else is he going to do at this point in his career?

Oh yeah. That’s another thing I didn’t realize about this sack of piss. He’s a middle aged man, not some punk kid like I had assumed. Here’s a picture of him.
I was in shock. I expected this clown to be some smug prick in his thirties trying to make a name for himself. I was thinking of Jim Rome all those years ago goading Rams quarterback Jim Everett into attacking him for calling him “Chris” over and over. I was picturing a guy that was ambitious and using his smart mouth to get noticed, covering for his lack of actual writing talent. I wasn’t expecting this to be coming from a paunchy, graying, bitter old man that’s obviously gotten to this point in his career by smearing the names of the men he’s paid to cover. What a lucky paper the LA Times is to have such a creature lurking in its halls.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I don’t have to ignore his work.

Marcus Thames is way too nice of a man to take Simers’ bait. Thames is too classy to respond to Simers the way this prick wants him to.

Luckily for this blog and its readers, I am not nice. And I am not classy.

The gloves come off after the jump.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Defending Marcus Thames Against an Awful Hatchet Job

Not all baseball players can’t be as talented as Miguel Cabrera on the field. Only a complete fool would think otherwise. And while most decent teams will have a star or two in the Cabrera fashion, they will have many more guys that are pretty much role players, whether they be slick fielders, guys that can make consistent contact, or whatever.

Now, being a humor blog, DesigNate Robertson likes to take some of the Tiger role players and poke fun at them. Brandon Inge, Clete Thomas, Will Rhymes, and Don Kelly are probably the best current examples. But a child of six (and it usually is a child of six) can tell you that Inge has value due to his amazing defense. Anyone that has seen him play can tell you that Clete has a cannon for an arm. Watch Tinkerbell for a week and you have to be impressed with his scrappy play enthusiasm and ability to move runners over. And even Don Kelly…owns a lot of different fielding gloves.

Point is, former Tiger and new Los Angeles Dodger, Marcus Thames was and is a role player. The “Country Strong Big Fella”, as Rod Allen would affectionately call him, is an impressive sight at 6’2 and 220 pounds of muscle. While never a consistent, productive starter, Thames was and is a great option to come off the bench or fill in for an injured starter for a period of time and hit the occasional jaw dropping home run. He has also shown that he can be capable of carrying a team for short stints as he did in Detroit from June 11th through June 18th, 2008 by hitting eight home runs in seven games, and also in New York where he hit 6 homers and 11 RBI from August 24-30, 2010. He has freakish power and has always been a positive influence in the clubhouse from all reports I’ve seen. In addition, rarely will you find a player that is nicer to fans, from my experiences at the ballpark.

He is also 34 years old. He is a liability on defense, like most lumbering power hitting outfielders are. And furthermore, Marcus has never been a high batting average guy. He is nothing more than a slugging role player, not a five-tool guy, by any means. But still, I would love to have Thames coming off of our bench again because he his good at what his role is.

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times does not agree with me. He has written a piece called “Marcus Thames can’t field, can’t hit righties, won’t talk about it…are you excited yet?” It is the worst piece of writing that I can remember having the displeasure of reading. Please go read it and get back to me. I can wait. I’ll stare at pictures of Jennie Finch and curse Casey Daigle’s name while you’re gone.

Done? Welcome back. Are you as pissed off as I am? How do you attack Marcus Thames, perhaps the nicest guy in the major leagues, for no reason? How do you attack Marcus Thames, the gentle giant who served in the National Guard from 1994-1998, that came from humble beginnings in Louisville, Mississippi, only to make his paralyzed mother Veterine so proud of her boy in the big leagues?

You do this by being an ignorant f-cking prick of the highest order like T.J. Simers of the LA Times is. After the jump, we’ll dive into this one. Props to reader Brandon for sending this one my way.

Monday, March 21, 2011

In Hindsight, Jon Paul Morosi is an Idiot

I’ve been busy lately. Thus, the lack of activity here. I’ll do what I can in the coming weeks, but within a month I’ll be moving back to Toledo. Once I get through all that, I’ll do what I can to get into a more regular posting pattern again. Cool? Cool.

Today’s article to make fun of was written almost two weeks ago. But waiting to attack it actually has helped to show how silly it was.

Jon Paul Morosi at Fox Sports is a dickbag. Here’s the original piece, entitled "Cabrera Headed for his Worst Season?". It’s obviously more foolish Cabrera-bashing, the topic that never ends. But Morisi decided to attack Big Mig’s early spring performance at the plate, too. This is ridiculous. We’ll get into all of that now since hindsight has proven that this article was a waste of time.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

St. Patrick's Day in Lakeland

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: (talking into phone) I know you don’t like this. But we feel that it’s the best thing for the organization that you have someone with you today. I mean, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. I know that might not mean a lot to you and the people from your country, but in the United States, most people associate this day with drinking to excess. I’m confident in you and the fact that you have things under control, but you have to understand that the Detroit Tigers baseball organization needs to show its fans that we are serious about you and your well being. Understand?
MIGUEL CABRERA: (talking into phone) Hermano. Hermano. You don’t understand my problems. I no need this. I fine. I just want get in shape for season. I work out today. No drink. Promise.

DOMBROWSKI: That’s wonderful, Miguel. But what’s done is done. We love you as a player, but we love you even more as a person. Luckily, several of your teammates have volunteered to spend the day with you and keep you company and help you out in any way. Call me if there are any problems and I’ll even drop by in a little bit myself.  We're here for you.

CABRERA: Whatever, man. I go now.

DOMBROWSKI: Thanks, pal. You’re the man.

/hangs up

CABRERA: Hijo de puta estúpido. Voy a ejercer ahora.

/begins lifting weights

CABRERA: Feels good. I win MVP this year.

/commotion in hallway

CABRERA: ¿Quién está ahí? Who there?

/door flies open

Monday, March 14, 2011

Patron Saint Update

It's been a while since I've checked in on Our Hero.  Nate is trying to make the Seattle Mariners team in some way this season after spending last year bouncing around the minor leagues inbetween getting killed in rare MLB appearances.  How's he doing so far this spring?  Is he still looking bowling shoe ugly on the mound?  Has whoever signed him to his minor league deal been fired yet?  Is Luke French making fun of him behind his back?  Has Ichiro bought into "Gum Time" yet?

Or is he putting together the biggest comeback seen since George Foreman, Josh Hamilton, or Jesus Christ?  Let's take a look.

3 games
7 innings pitched
0-1 record
7.71 ERA
1 blown save
11 hits
6 earned runs
2 walks
7 strikeouts
1 hit batter
1.86 WHIP
.367 opposing batting average

Yup.  That seems about right.

Why do I see him ending up on the Pirates sometime this year?  I can feel it, I tell you...

EDIT:  A little over two hours after I posted this, it was announced that Nate needs elbow surgery and will be out at least four weeks.  Tough luck, old friend.  Tough luck.

Did I curse him? Do I have that power?  Hmmm...

/furiously beings writing "Don Kelly Update" article

Friday, March 11, 2011

Nicknames for the 2011 Detroit Tigers

It’s time to list this year’s team and my idiotic nicknames that I may use for each of them this season. I didn’t come up with all of them myself, obviously, and welcome you to add any that I may have missed. Some are inside jokes that only two people will probably get. But I’m silly like that.

Enjoy.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Get Well, Luis Salazar

Younger readers might not remember Luis Salazar, who was with the Tigers in 1988 and played seven positions for us that year.  Luis played for 13 seasons in San Diego, both Chicago teams, and Detroit hitting .261 with 94 career homers and 455 RBI.  The 11 year old Rogo was a big fan of Luis during his lone Tiger season.

Salazar, now 54, is the manager of the Braves' Class A ballclub and was standing at the rail of the Atlanta dugout yesterday when he was hit by a foul ball off the bat of All-Star catcher Brian McCann.  A motionless Salazar was given oxygen, taken off the field on a stretcher, and airlifted to a local hospital.

Luis reportedly suffered multiple facial fractures and underwent surgery both last night and today.  Word is, he'll probably require more surgery and may not regain vision in his left eye.  I'm sure that I'm not alone in hoping that this turns out to not be true.

Get well, Luis.  Always a Tiger, brother.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Difference Between Don Kelly and Shinola

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It isn’t easy to do this blog. Finding ways to make fun of one baseball team isn’t always simple, despite the massive amount of material they seem to crank out for me to lampoon. Sometimes you get stretches like last week when I had nothing. Two weeks ago, I couldn’t stop writing with all the idiotic Cabrera-bashing going on. This week, it’s better again. It’s hot and cold, I tell you.

Then, sometimes you come across an article by Steve Kornacki at mLive titled “Don Kelly Earns a Roster Spot with Detroit Tigers”.

I wish you all could see my erection right now.

Let’s get to it...the article, you sickos.

Monday, March 7, 2011

DNR Crashes The Detroit News' Debate

The Detroit News gave Tom Gage and Lynn Henning 10 topics to discuss and debate. WHY WAS I NOT INVITED? Why does no one respect how BRILLIANT and LEVEL-HEADED I am?

This is a ridiculous oversight, I think. Eff it. I’m inviting myself. Let’s get to it. From the News site…

Friends, colleagues, countrymen. Indeed they are, and while Tom Gage and Lynn Henning have covered the Tigers together for years, baseball is about all they agree on — and that only occasionally.

If only they could get their own sitcom. It would be like “The Odd Couple”, except even more boring and white.

Don't get them started on politics, movies or what's the ideal Saturday night with their wives.

Tom’s a democrat, enjoys bondage porn, and prefers to keep the wife pilled up and incoherent in front of the television. Lynn’s a republican, won’t be caught watching anything that isn’t a snuff film, and enjoys putting on a gimp outfit for Mrs. Henning while Pat Boone croons away in the background...

Henning prefers dinner and dancing. Less of a night-lifer, and cheaper, Gage prefers spaghetti and Hockey Night in Canada.

Can’t believe I wasn’t invited to this. Ahem, Rogo likes drinking alone in dive bars and cursing at anyone that doesn’t agree with him while leering at any 21 year old dumb enough to walk past his table at the bar.

This is going to be 10 topics, Lynn — 140 characters or less on each one — like a tweet. That's characters, not inches.

What? Really? Leave the dick jokes to me, guys. Yikes. Have some dignity. We begin after the jump.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Will Rhymes Gets a Surprise Visitor

WILL RHYMES: We've got some unbelievable weather.  Awesome fans here in Lakeland, too.  Man, it feels great being part of the Detroit Tigers, doesn’t it, dude?
FU-TE NI: It sule does, Wirr Lhymes.  It sule does.

RHYMES: Think we’ll both make the team this year?

NI: I hope so. But plobabry not. We are both vely tellible.

RHYMES: Haha…you’re a riot. I’m just loving having a chance to prove myself alongside guys like Sizemore, Worth, and Santiago, you know?

NI: If you say so, smarr infierdel man. Some of us go to McDonards and get doubre cheesebulgels. You want to come, Wirr?

RHYMES: Haha…dude, you’re too much. No, I’m gonna take a shower and watch some film of my batting practice today. I’ll see you later.

NI: See you ratel…

/leaves clubhouse

RHYMES: Let’s see. Time for a Tweet. “Another great day in Lakeland. Luv this team to death. LOL.” There.

/loud pounding on clubhouse door

RHYMES: Now who could that be? Did Fu forget his wallet again? Or should I say, “warret”. Haha…

/door flies open