Sunday, July 31, 2011

Oh Yeah? Well HE Started It!

EDIT:  I felt I should add this as a preface after the fact. If you are an Angel fan and reading this, good day. I assume you are here due to the good reverend linking from HH. Indeed, this is a Detroit Tigers blog. It's not a serious one, as I think you should know that. 90% of the time here is spent making doodie jokes about Tiger players. And sometimes I try to have fun at the expense of others attacking my favorite baseball team. That's all this is. If you take this too seriously, you have missed the point.You have a beautiful ballpark and I always liked Tim Salmon and Mark Langston.

My thanks to the Rev for clarifying many of his earlier comments on here in my comments section. I only wish he would have done so in his original post at HH. Sorry I called your mom a mean name. You're still an idiot, though. Have a nice day.


Today’s epic encounter of the Tigers and Angels featuring Cy Young candidates Justin Verlander and Jered Weaver was billed as must-see-tv. And it was, but not just for the pitching encounter.

JV took at no-hitter into the eighth inning today showing again why he is probably the best pitcher in baseball. Verlander is a cyborg.

Weaver pitched well, too, but showed that he’s capable of losing his cool quite easily when things don’t go his way on the field. He took exception to Magglio Ordonez watching his two-run homer, when in reality, Maggs was making sure it wasn’t going foul. He responded by cursing at Magglio and Miguel Cabrera who followed him in the order. Carlos Guillen took note of Weaver’s immature behavior and responded by striking a dramatic pose of his own after taking Jered deep in the 7th.

The umpires wisely issued warnings after that. Weaver, instead of keeping his cool in a close game, decided to ignore the warning and throw at Alex Avila’s head on the next pitch. He was promptly ejected and we probably would have had a brawl if JV didn’t have a no-hitter going.

Erick Aybar led off the next inning by trying to bunt his way on in the 8th inning of a no-hitter, one of those unwritten rules of baseball. After that, all unwritten rules were out the window.

The Tigers ended up winning, 3-2. Yay. But the classless nonsense wasn’t over yet. Check out the game recap at Halos Heaven, the Angels’ version of Bless You Boys, if you didn’t know. While BYB always remains a classy, well-written blog on the Tigers, judging by this piece, the same rules do not apply at HH. Even Bleacher Report wouldn’t publish this nonsense.

Please take the time to read that, if you don’t mind. Don’t worry, it’s a quick read. Form your own opinion. And then follow me after the jump. Because while my friends at BYB are a professional, classy bunch (when not discussing Scott Sizemore), I am not.

I am far from it.

The Mud Hen Gang Bids Casper Farewell

BRAD THOMAS: So, when’s me ‘ol mate supposed to be he’ah? Ah ain’t got all day, ya know. Wastin’ time ah could be off findin’ me a sheila. That’s what he-ah’d be off’a doin’.
BRANDON INGE: C’mon, Brad. Be serious. Our friend just got traded. He’s probably down in the dumps and depressed. He needs us. We’re his friends…no, more than that. We’re his brothers of the diamond.
WILL RHYMES: I can’t believe The Balla’s leaving us. It isn’t fair, guys! It isn’t fair!

/starts crying
CLETE THOMAS: Can’t believe y’all tricked me into coming to ‘dis damn airport. Man, you pricks lied to ‘ol Clete. I thought we was headin’ up to the bar to watch some Brickyard qualifying. Casper’s an ass, I’m glad he’s leavin’, and he can go fu-

INGE: Enough, Clete! Enough of that malarkey! William, it’s going to be fine. Casper’s going to be just nifty in Seattle! He might even get to start every day. We should be happy for him.

RHYMES: (sniffle) I know…but…

/starts crying again

BRAD: Bloody ‘ell. Junior, tell ya what. You stop that’a cryin’, and when we get back, ‘ol Brad’ll strip ya down to ya diaper and let ya play in the Fifth Third sprinkl’ah, m’kay?

RHYMES: For real? No foolin’? Yay!

/taxi pulls up

CLETE: ‘Bout time.

/spits dip in Natty Ice can

INGE: Here he is, guys. Try not to look sad. Be strong for Casper, okay?

/taxi door flies open

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fister? Damn Near Killed Her...

The Tigers have reportedly traded Charlie Furbush, Casper Wells, AA thirdbaseman Francisco Martinez, and possibly another A-ball pitcher to Seattle for starter Doug Fister and reliever David Pauley.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Meanwhile...A New Player Arrives in Cleveland

MANNY ACTA: Team! Gather around. First off, I just want to say how proud I am of all of you. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gave you men a chance at finishing any higher than fourth in this division. And look at you. Second place at the end of July. Despite injuries, inexperience, and just plain being overmatched much of the time, you’ve all played hard-nosed baseball, took names, and kicked ass. I can’t thank you enough. Well, except you, Fausto. You suck.
FAUSTO CARMONA: Awwww…

ACTA: Anyway, the trade deadline is almost here. And believe it or not, ownership believes in you guys and even though we’re in a playoff race and still can’t draw flies to our ballpark, they’ve decided to be buyers and get us some help. It’s no secret that our outfield lacks punch with Grady on the DL yet again.
GRADY SIZEMORE: I’m still leading the league in attempted rapes, though, Skip!

ACTA: Shut up, Grady. Like I was saying, they’ve made a trade with the Cubs to bring us a real international star. A Japanese star.
TRAVIS HAFNER: PRONK FIGHT GODZILLA NOW? PRONK HIT GODZILLA IN PEE PEE.

ACTA: No, not Godzilla, Trav. Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, Mr. Kosuke Fukudome!

/clubhouse door opens

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Mad Libs Recap: Angels 12, Tigers 7

I don’t like writing game recaps. When I first started DesigNate Robertson, initially it was going to be a much more serious blog featuring analysis, recaps, and player profiles with the occasional humor thrown in. Quickly, I got bored with that and went to the current approach of “throw crap against the wall, see what sticks, and say the ‘f’ word a lot” format that many of you have grown to know and love/loathe.

Oftentimes, I’ll hear from some more respected authors of other sites that tell me they wish they could just let loose, curse, and say what they really think like I do here. They’re unable to do that since they’re on sites that don’t allow that kind of nonsense. They have to remain professional, something I respect because I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure like they do. That’s a big part of my enjoyment here. It’s only me here, I don’t answer to anyone, and I say whatever stupid things come into my head.

But in doing so, I turn off as many readers as I do entertain others. It’s a tradeoff that I came to terms with a long time ago. But still, maybe I do curse too much. Maybe there’s something else I could do to creatively (and humorously) express myself other than calling Don Kelly filthy names.

In a response I left on my MILDLY successful twitter account (@DNR_Rogo) to one of those respected author-types today who remarked that he wished he could curse in his game recap, I suggested that instead of cursing, he replace any curse word with a Mad Lib type word. That sounded funny to me. And suddenly, the 40 watt light bulb went off over my head. “Durr…I could do that at DNR. Might be funny. Harf.”

So that’s what I’m going to do. The following is a recap of today’s 12-7 loss to the Angels, done Mad Libs style. Whenever I feel the need to curse, I’ll replace the curse word with another word from a common theme. Today’s theme is after the jump.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Secret Manager Search, Volume 5

Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Yes, sir. You asked for me? I got here as soon as I could.
MIKE ILITCH: It’s about time, Donald!

DOMBROWSKI: David, sir.

ILITCH: That’s what I said. Now Dan, do you value your job? Are you aware that your contract is almost up?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course, sir. Of course.

ILITCH: Well, my pool boy informed me that we lost two of three to the White Sox this week. It doesn’t seem like you value your job, does it? We should be winning more. If Paco the pool boy is unhappy, than my Marion is unhappy for some reason. I don’t quite get that. But if Marion’s unhappy, well, then I am unhappy. How hard is it to sign a player or two, Doug? Huh? If I wanted to, I could pick up the phone and have Kris Draper or Rob Niedermayer in a Tigers uniform by noon tomorrow!

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sorry, sir. It’s…it’s Leyland, sir. He must be the problem.

ILITCH: Then you’d better have a solution. It’s been a while since you brought me a new managerial prospect, D’Brickashaw. Who do you have in mind now?

DOMBROWSKI: D’Brickashaw? Really? Um…err…give me five minutes!

/4 minutes, 53 seconds later

DOMBROWSKI: I have him, sir. I’m, uh, you’ll be impressed, I’m sure.

ILITCH: Wonderful, Duke! Where is he?

/door flies open

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tiger Droppings: 2011 Trade Deadline Edition

We are officially less than a week away from the trade deadline. The Tigers have been connected to pretty much every starting pitcher with a pulse. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Today, we'll cover the starters the Tigers have been linked to, Chance Ruffin's debut, attempted arson of Don Kelly, me always being right, half-assed parenting, are more.

Let the Droppings begin!

Monday, July 25, 2011

(Yet Another) Visit With the Stranger From the East

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you don’t know who Carnac the Magnificent is, I hate you because you’re probably much younger than I am. If you don’t understand this bit, that’s why Al Gore invented Youtube. Previous episodes of Rogo-nac the Tremendous can be found here. On that note…
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. As welcome as Jason Grilli at Comerica Park, it is now time once again for a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, the smartest man he knows, and Wilson Betemit’s personal arm strength coach. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh great one?

I’m fine…I’m fine. I don’t remember that step being there…perhaps I’ll blame it on Dave Dombrowski for no reason.

A common practice, superior one. Now, I hold in my hand a large stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Richard Bernstein could see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within the scouting report given to Justin Verlander on Jim Thome. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline-divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. Are you ready, sir?

I guess…assuming we have time. You talk a lot…

Hermetically sealed…

I understand.

Within Verlander’s scouting reports of Jim Thome.

Where no one seemingly has ever looked. Let’s get on with this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Rod Allen is Not a Racist

I can't believe that I have to write this piece. But I feel I do.

As soon as I heard him say it, I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it.

If you missed it during Thursday’s Tigers/Twins game, Rod Allen and Mario Impemba had the following exchange during the game:

Rod: "Tigers pretty much got a all-Latin squad out there tonight."

Mario: "OrdoƱez, Cabrera, Martinez, Peralta, Guillen, Avila, Betemit. Jackson and Boesch don't qualify."

Rod: "They're gonna have to get some rice and beans for the postgame spread tonight."

And sure enough, some political correctness moron went and got all offended. The idiot in question appears to be David Brown, who wrote this piece at Yahoo.

Follow me after the jump and we’ll take a look at it together.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Brandon Inge Hits the Town With the Toledo Boys

(Outside a bar in Toledo, Ohio.)
BRANDON INGE: (talking into cell phone) I keep telling you, Shani, it’s all going to be fine. As soon as I figure out this gosh-darn hitch in my swing, I’ll be back up in Detroit with you and the kids in a jiffy. No, honey, I’m not depressed. In fact, I’m joining some of the fellas from the Hens for a drink tonight. No, honey, Miguel's not with us. They invited me out to catch up on old times since we’re all buds from being on the Tigers. No honey, I won’t drink too much. Uh huh, love you, too. Kiss the kids for me! Bye-bye. Heh, she’s such a peach. I hope everyone’s here already…they said they’d meet me out here but I don’t see anyone…

SQUEAKY VOICE: Brandon, down here.

INGE: Oh, hey, buddy! Didn’t see you down there.
WILL RHYMES: It happens. Good to see you, man. The boys are inside. Let’s head in and get ourselves a drink and celebrate putting the band back together!

/bar door flies open

Pure Brandon



Thanks to StretchTB for the tip.  Awesome.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The End of the Inge Era in Detroit?

 "We traded for who? Oh, hamburgers..."

As you, no doubt, have heard by now, the Tigers acquired third baseman Wilson Betemit from the Royals for A-Ball prospects Julio Rodriguez (catcher) and Antonio Cruz (lefty pitcher). The team has announced that Betemit will be the team’s primary third baseman the rest of the year. More importantly, when it comes to Tiger baseball, is that this appearss to mark the end of the Inge Era in Detroit.
I kid. I’m still not sure what to think about this. It’s no secret that I’ve never really cared for Brandon Inge, the baseball player. He is the most frustrating Tiger I’ve ever watched in my 26 years of following this team. In parts of eleven seasons, he’s only hit .234/.304/.387 with an OPS+ of 83. That’s awful for a guy the Tigers have given over $30 million to over the years, with more to come, no matter what they do. (Inge is still owed the rest of this season’s $5.5 million, $5.5 million for next year, and has a $500K buy out on his ’13 option.) Five times he’s been in the top ten in the AL in strikeouts over that time. Only twice has he hit over .260 for a season.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story.

Tigers Beat A's, and I am Awesome

Let me take a break from my constant negativity and tearing apart the work of others to tell you about my trip to Comerica Park Tuesday night. It was a fun evening.

The Tigers won, 8-3. Big Mig and Zombie Guillen had long home runs. Brennan Boesch had a monster night at the plate. Victor Martinez turned a sure out at home plate (eff yew Lamont) into a run with a dance move that even the mighty Papa Grande or future Mrs. Brad Penny couldn’t pull off. AlAl is looking sweet again. Brandon Inge was a dumpster fire and kept getting booed all evening. So much good stuff.

I got to meet Grey from the always entertaining Fire Gerald Laird blog. (Thanks for hooking me up with the ticket, dude.) Got to meet the artists known as “Detroit Chick” and "Tiger Dog" from the BYB game threads and twitter. Dunno if they want you psychos knowing their real names. Ha. Nice folks. And I got to hang out with Allison, the dreaded enforcer of BYB and her own blog she never updates, No Run Support. She rules beyond all belief.

But forget ALL of that stuff.

Guess who caught himself a foul ball off the bat of Alex Avila???
Me, bitches! ME!

You should have seen it. A screaming line drive that had grown men diving out of the way. Defensive wizards Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, and Ryan Raburn would have had difficulty bringing it in, I tell you. And who’s mighty BARE HAND thrust into the air to snag it just in time from hitting a slow-reacting nun in the face? Your Party Host, that’s who! Giggity, giggity, goo, I effin’ rule!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. The ball popped over toward our section, some dumbass missed it, it went off my fingertips, some other idiots kicked it around, and it ended up rolling back to me. Then some kids begged me for the ball. Bite me, you little bastards. Consider it a life lesson. You aren’t going to get far in life expecting people to hand everything to you. And if any annoying kid is going to get the first foul ball (and second ever for me) since I got one off the bat of the immortal Paul Bako at Tiger Stadium many moons ago…well, it’s gonna be my own annoying kid. But at age 7, I don’t think he’s ready for it yet. Maybe when he turns 21.

Yes, I’m 34 going on 10. Don’t judge me. Shut it.

Oh yeah, after the jump, I would like to discuss the other thing that happened tonight at the game. Something terrible that made me ashamed to be a Tiger fan…

Monday, July 18, 2011

Dispelling the Idea of JL and DD's "Hidden Agenda"

No picking on Bill Simonson this Monday as he’s taken a break from crapping all over Jim Leyland to suck up to Jim Schwartz. I’m not linking it…find it on your own if you must.

Luckily, the freep has published one of their famous “Reader Columns” that is so beyond awful, I halfway suspect that the Troll King himself sent it in. I know I’m fighting a losing battle by continuing to attack these articles, but every time I decide I’m done, another one like this hits me in the face like a used condom in the face of a hooker.

Huh? You don’t toss your condoms in the faces of your hookers? Well aren’t you all just SO classy. Excuuuuuuse me.

This work is by a man named Al Bezaire of Beamsville, Ontario. Normally, this is where I’d make a lame joke aganst Canadians, but I met a nice enough gentleman from Toronto at the Mud Hens game Sunday night. Instead, I’ll just move past the “eh” jokes and get into this steaming pile of manure.

So take a deep breath and follow me after the jump. Be aware, though. You may become dumber for reading this drivel. I certainly did. Hopefully my childish humor will soften the blow.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Perhaps I'm Just Not a People Person...

The following introduction is not meant to be an attempt to suck up to any of you. It is simply how I honestly feel.

The next blog entry here will be the 400th. That's about 375 more than I ever thought it would last. I sure have wasted a LOT of my time on this stuff.  Yours too, maybe.  In the next week or two, I plan on cleaning it up a bit. Eliminate some of the filler stuff. Re-do some of the tags, maybe. I dunno. Maybe quit whining so much.

But, I want to thank you. This blog may not have the biggest following, but I am grateful to those of you that stop by for a laugh or whatever. Those of you that “get” what I do here, or the majority of you that leave comments seem to be nice folks that are knowledgeable about the sport the Tigers play. I think you get that 90% of the time I’m just being a goof and trying to provide my own unique brand of entertainment to you all. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But eff it, it’s not like any of you jerks are paying me for this, right? Ha…

Anyway, I feel fortunate that I don’t have to deal with so many of the ignorant psychos that frequent the bigger sites like Yahoo, the official Tigers site, the Freep, the News, and mLive. Obviously, not everyone that leaves comments on those sites is a nut. But the ones that are clueless have ruined it for everyone else there. Notice that I left Bless You Boys out of that list. One of the most overlooked and amazing things Kurt and company have done over there is keep most of the discussions sane and eliminate the majority of idiots that may show up. That cannot be an easy task.

But again, from the bottom of my black little heart, thank you for making DesigNate Robertson a joy for me to do a few times a week.

With that out of the way, I just have to share some of these comments I’ve come across on a couple of those sites the past couple days. It amazes me that these folks are among us. It blows my mind that many of these individuals are on the same planet with us, let alone cooking our food, patrolling our streets, building our roads, or whatever mental patients that post crazy things on the internet do when they’re not being nutbags.
I hope you get a laugh out of this. After a while, though, at least with me, that laughter turned to concern and a general uncomfortable feeling. These people are all Tiger fans.

They are among us.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Tigers or Indians...Who Ya Got?

The Oakland Press put this one out there written by Jim Ingraham titled “Pitching will lead Indians past Tigers in second half”. Obviously, this made my spider senses tingle a bit.

But before we dive into it, let me make it clear that I can honestly see any of the Tigers, Indians, White Sox, or even those jerk Twins somehow winning the Central this year still. There are logical reasons you can list to make a case for each team. Kurt at BYB has done a fine job this week doing just that if you haven’t been paying attention. (And shame on you if you haven’t. Now that there’s no baseball, Kurt’s actually writing about baseball. Ha…ScottSizemoreisawesomejustadmititdammit.)

With that in mind, we’ll take a look at Mr. Ingraham’s thought process on why the Tribe will prevail. Keep in mind, this isn’t just some clown writing this. Jim Ingraham has been an Indians beat writer for twenty-six years. He is a longtime member of the Baseball Writers Association of America and a Baseball Hall of Fame voter and has won several Ohio and and national awards as a columnist.

From that, I can only assume that he is an old, white guy. I don’t tend to play nice with those folks.

But, I’ll make you a deal, Jim. If you make sense, I’ll be nice. If you don’t, I’ll act like a foul-mouthed child. I have issues.

Deal? Deal.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

2011 Detroit Tigers First Half Grades, Part Deux

Hey now, ladies and germs. Welcome to Part Two of DNR’s look at the first half of the 2011 season in Detroit. Tonight, we break down the pitching staff that was good enough to get Rick Knapp fired. This should be fun.

Grading the pitchers, to me, is harder to do than the hitters. With hitters, you can take a look at their stats and easily (well, to sane people) identify who is doing well and who isn’t. With the pitchers, especially out of the bullpen, one bad outing can skew the numbers substantially. Thus, Your Party Host will be examining the numbers a little closer than normal.

Granted, for me, that probably means looking at them for ten seconds, rather than five. I am no longer informative, it seems. Deal.

After ze jump…

Quick Hit: Comedy at the Freep

I love trade gossip as much as anyone, so when I opened the latest "Reader Column" at the freep on four pitchers the Tigers should try to acquire, I was hoping for something interesting.  Instead, I was subjected to this silly list.

1. Chris Capuano, because "he has what it takes to be good in the majors, having made the All-Star team in 2006".  That was five years ago.  Other All-Stars from 2006 include Mark Loretta, Paul Lo Duca, Jose Contreras, Scott Kazmir, Kenny Rogers, BJ Ryan, and Derrick Turnbow.  C'mon...you've gotta have something better than that.

2. Rich Harden, the only MLB player hurt more than Carlos Guillen.

3.  Shaun Marcum, the #2 or #3 starter of the contending Brewers who just acquired K-Rod from the Mets today.  Pretty sure the Brewers aren't selling right now, fella.

4.  David Price.  Yes, the 25 year old star ace of the Rays.  I'm sure they'll be willing to give him up for Raburn, Strieby, and Crosby.

Freep, please get serious or just shut down.  Who decided this was worth adding to the page today?  On the bright side, Jamie Samuelsen's latest isn't a bad read.  Seriously.

Part two of the mid-season report later tonight.  Seeya.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

2011 Detroit Tigers First Half Grades, Part 1

Ahh, the All-Star break. It’s that time of year when bloggers draw upon every bit of experience we’ve had in playing zero MLB ballgames to assign grades to the ballplayers on the teams we cover. I believe that it’s in our union contract to do so. If it were up to me, this post would be nothing but Kirk Gibson coming up with fifty different ways of calling Derek Jeter a wuss for not playing in the All-Star Game. But I don’t make the rules…sorry. What a shame. I had some good ones in mind, too.

I’m going to divide this into two parts. Tonight, I’ll cover the position players that have seen time in the D this year. Tomorrow evening, I’ll take a look at the pitching staff.

With the lazy intro out of the way, here’s the 2011 mid-season grade cards for your Detroit Tigers.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Troll King Has All the Answers!

Last week, Bill Simonson’s delusions of grandeur made me speculate that this might become a weekly feature at DNR. Looks like I was right.

This week, Bill has all the answers for the Tigers to EASILY win the AL Central this year. Or does he? What kind of wisdom does the Mighty Troll King have for us now?

Read on to find out.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Busting Some Detroit Tigers Myths

I spend entirely too much time reading about the Detroit Tigers. It’s almost sad, in a way. I check the majority of the blogs listed on the right frequently, some of them every day. I always check out the News, Freep, and mLive sites for news and/or something to make fun of. I often pop in to Yahoo, Fox Sports, and other major sites to see if they’re saying anything about my team. Add in the newspapers, ESPN (on the rare times the Tigers are discussed), MLB Trade Rumors, the occasional Game Thread over at BYB…it’s amazing I have time to go to work and occasionally take a dump.

But what’s annoying to me this season is that I keep seeing the same six topics coming up everywhere and they’re starting to get old. With this post, I hope to take on each of these topics and put the argument to rest once and for all.

Since I am the only true voice of reason in the online Tiger-verse, all my decisions will be considered gospel and final. If you disagree, than you…you…um…you’re a doodiehead. Sorry. I’m getting low on insults until I get off my medication.

Here we go…

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Deleted Scenes: Tombstone

WYATT EARP: What makes a man like Ringo, Doc? What makes him do the things he does?
DOC HOLLIDAY: A man like Ringo…got a great empty hole right through the middle of him. He can never kill enough or steal enough…or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.

EARP: What does he need?

HOLLIDAY: Revenge.

EARP: For what?

HOLLIDAY: Bein’ born.

EARP: It all happened so fast with Curly Bill…I didn’t really have time to think about it, but I’ve had plenty of time to think about this. I can’t beat him, can I?

HOLLIDAY: No. (long pause) Wait…I’m goin’ with ya.

/goes into coughing fit and collapses into bed

HOLLIDAY: Oh, God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Wyatt.

EARP: It’s all right, Doc.

HOLLIDAY: (eyes Wyatt’s badge) What’s it like to wear one of those?

/Wyatt puts badge on Doc and leaves to face Ringo

/loud banging heard on porch

HOLLIDAY: (cough) Is that you, Wyatt? You forget something?

/door flies open

Keeping Score: Tigers vs. Angels 7/5/11

Howdy, boys and girls, it’s time once again for Keeping Score, where I do my own version of play-by-play and watch the game and type out whatever stupid thoughts enter my silly little mind throughout it. How fun. I haven’t done one of these bad boys since the beginning of the season. That may be a good thing…I dunno.

Today, our beloved Detroit Tigers are out west visiting the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (brought to you by Disney). It’s a 10:00 eastern start, so this may actually be useful to one of you for once, as it may be too late for some of you suckers with early starting jobs. Also, Justin Verlander is pitching tonight, thank Satan. Sadly, Dan Haren’s pitching for the Angels, so we’ll probably be lucky to get a hit tonight.

Pregame Thoughts:

1. Vote Victor!

2. If Rod and/or Mario mention Derek Jeter tonight, I’m going to burn down a preschool. My goodness, sports personalities…there are other stories out there, you know. If Jeter played his whole career anywhere else, he’d be Michael Young. Yes I’ve said that before…just so irritated by it all.

3. Finally, tonight’s episode of Keeping Score is brought to you by the letter “V”. V as in Vicodin. Toothache? What toothache? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…bring on the typos!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Bill Simonson: King of the Trolls

Want to know why I don’t watch news programs, especially on the cable channels?

/gonna tell you anyway

Because they’re all nonsense. In today’s America, just presenting the news in an unbiased way is boring. No, you have to take a side and stick to it, no matter what common sense tells you. Left or right, not wrong or right. That’s why you have liars like Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Rush Limbaugh defending anything the conservatives say, no matter how stupid it may be. It’s also why you have biased mouthpieces like Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Keith Olbermann doing the same thing for the liberals. Common sense is dead in this country.

And it’s the same for sports nowadays. Skip Bayless can’t possibly believe half of what he says. He does it to get people talking and get ratings. The same applies to Stephen A. Smith, Colin Cowherd, and on down the line.

And if you follow sports on the internet, you must be familiar with trolls. These are the ignorant fans out there, whom many of which could not pass a 2nd grade spelling bee, that spam any article written with their idiotic thoughts that make about as much sense as a drunken Miguel Cabrera on the side of the road. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

It was only a matter of time before someone in Tiger-land decided to cater specifically to these troll-beasts. And that man is Bill Simonson, of the HUGE show. Bill has another offering this week at mLive that is beyond silly. It seems this may be a weekly thing here at DNR if Bill insists on keeping this b.s. going. Whatever, I’ve got nothing better happening on Mondays.

I give to you, Bill Simonson…The Troll King.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Rick Knapp Put Out of His Misery

After today’s victory over the Giants, Tigers pitching coach Rick Knapp was fired. Bullpen coach Jeff Jones has been named his replacement. When I first heard via text, I read that "Jonesey" was taking over. At first I though that meant Todd Jones had received the position and I began tying a noose in my closet when I found out that it was in fact, Jeff.

Close one.

Early word is that Dave Dombrowski and Jim Leyland felt that the staff was underperforming and thus, Knapp’s head was put on the chopping block. Personally, I think Rick was made into a scapegoat to make it look like two guys in their contract year are doing anything to win. Rick never seemed to be one of Leyland’s “boys” like the Pittsburgh posse of Lamont and McClendon and earlier, Van Slyke. But whatever.

Perhaps we’ll find out more in the upcoming days about this. Facts are facts, Rick Porcello, Max Scherzer, Phil Coke, and most guys not named Justin Verlander have done some struggling lately.

But I have a secret.

I know what really happened. Take a look.