Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Secret "Tigers Live" Analyst Test Screenings

Today, FSD's Ryan Field had the Tiger Twitterverse (?) guessing everyone from Bobby Higginson to Al Levine on who the new Tigers Live analyst was going to be. And on the Pistons pre-show, they announced Craig Monroe will be joining the FSD gang. Nice. I always liked Craig.

Also, they showed a silly tweet from Your Party Host, complete with Mickey York reading it. Made my day since I’m an attention whore nerd.

But that isn’t the complete story. There were other finalists for the job. And luckily, once again, DNR is the leader in stupid Tigers coverage and I have uncovered the test screenings for the guys that just didn’t make the cut to join Field on the FSD broadcasts.

Take a look.



RYAN FIELD: Okay. Just relax and read the teleprompter. Be yourself. Ready? Here we go. Hello, Tigers fans and WELCOME to Tigers Live! You’ve just watched the Tigers take care of the Chicago White Sox by a score of 8 to 3. I’m Ryan Field and with me is our new analyst, Jeremy Bonderman.
JEREMY BONDMERMAN: THANKS GLAD TO BE HERE. RYAN SO TELL ME JEREMY WHAT WAS THE KEY TO TODAY’S GAME? JEREMY WELL THE TIGERS BATS GOT GOING AT THE RIGHT TIME. RYAN THEY SURE DID…

FIELD: Okay, cut. Bondo, you’re reading both of our lines. See? Where it says “Ryan: So tell me Jeremy, what was the key to today’s game?” That’s my line.

BONDERMAN: YOU TELLS BONDO TO READ MAGIC BOX. THAT WHAT BONDO DID.

FIELD: Okay…sorry. Let’s forget reading and try it off the top of our heads. Ready? Hello, Tiger fans and WELCOME to Tigers Live! The Tigers came out on top of this one over Chicago, 8 to 3, and I’m here in the studio with the new Tigers Live analyst, Jeremy Bonderman. How about that great win tonight, Bondo?

BONDERMAN: BONDO NO WIN. BONDO NO PLAY ANYMORES. LET GET FLAPJACKS RYAN. BONDO HUNGRY.

FIELD: I don’t think this is going to work.

BONDERMAN: UH OHS. BONDO GOT FUDGE IN PANTS AGAIN.
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FIELD: Relax. Take a deep breath. There you go. Ready? Hello, Tigers fans! Welcome to the NEW Tigers Live! I’m Ryan Field and with me is my co-host, ex-Tigers pitcher Fu-Te Ni.
FU-TE NI: Herro, Lyan! It gleat to be hele on Tigells Rive! And what gleat win Tigells have ovell Rite Sox tonight. Miguerr Cablella is on file at prate, hitting thlee foll foll with two doubres!

FIELD: Um…yes. I think?

NI: And Lick Polcerro go six stlong innings to pick up victolly fol team. He sule pitch smaltel than rast yeal, Lyan.

FIELD: Cut.

NI: Something long, Lyan?

FIELD: Um…I need a break.
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FIELD: Just relax and be yourself. Have fun with it. Here we go. Hello, Tigers fans, and WELCOME to Tigers Live! The Tigers end their road trip with an impressive 8 to 3 win over the White Sox. I’m Ryan Field and with me is the newest analyst on Fox Sports Detroit, Mr. Jamie Walker.
JAMIE WALKER: Shoot, Ryan. Y’alls weather up here might be colder than a cast-iron commode, but these Tigers’r lookin’ so hot, I saw a dog chasin’ a cat, and him a-walkin’.

FIELD: What?

WALKER: Dang. Now Ricky Porcello’s so dumb, he couldn’t pour piss outta a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel. But dat boy getting’ the job done. And Miggy Cabrera’s knockin’ a hole in the ball you can throw a cat through.

FIELD: Okay. Jamie, let’s call it a day. This may have been a bad idea. Ni made more sense than you.

WALKER: Shoot, man. Yew can’t understand me? You so dumb that if I hit you with a tire iron, you wouldn’t tell ‘til the morning.
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FIELD: I’m not so sure about this, but we’ll give it a try. Hello, everyone, and WELCOME to Tigers Live! It was a great Tigers victory over the White Sox tonight and joining me in the studio is new Tigers analyst, Ugueth Urbina.
UGUETH URBINA: Who you talk to? ARRRRRGH!

/pours gasoline over Field’s head

/grabs match

/Venezuelan police storm set and handcuff Urbina

FIELD: Jesus Christ! Who’s idea was this? It was Mickey York, wasn’t it! That motherfu….
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FIELD: Welcome to Tigers Live, everyone! Detroit pulled off an 8 to 3 win over the White Sox tonight and I’m happy to be joined here in the studio by my NEW co-host, Gary Sheffield.
GARY SHEFFIELD: Wait a minute, Brian! Why’s Sheff the CO host? Huh? Why Sheff gotta be number two? Sheff’s the STAR here, mothaf(BEEP)er! Sheff gonna bring the ratings! You think Sheff below you, Brian?

FIELD: What the heck are you talking about, Gary? You’re nuts! And my name is Ryan…

SHEFFIELD: F(BEEP)k you, Brian! Sheff don’t need this s(BEEP)t! Sheff’s a big-time AGENT, son! Sheff got clients up the a(BEEP)s! Sheff don’t need you, Brian! F(BEEP)k you and F(BEEP)k Tigers Live!

/storms out

FIELD: How come Keating doesn’t have to do this sh(BEEP)t? Dammit, my hair got messed up! Get my hair team in here! I hate this…
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So yeah. Anyway. Congrats to Craig Monroe. And ME! I wuz on da TEEVEE! Hooray! Sign me up next, FSD! The world wants to see me interview Don Kelly!

ROGO = RATINGZ!

10 comments:

H2OPoloPunk said...

Nice one.

Anonymous said...

Ratingz with a Z

Michael Wilson said...

I was kind of hoping for Emo Inge to make an appearance.

Dan Bacon said...

Rogo you rule dude! C-Mo lives!

Grath said...

Is it just me or does Jaime Walker look exactly like the banjo kid from Deliverance?

Jschambers82 said...

Just about died when I read the urbina and sheff parts. 

mark said...

What, no invisible David Pauley?! He says his lines perfectly but Shields can't hear him. Do I have to write this shit for you?

Detroit4lyfe said...

I knew this was fake when you had Jeremy Bonderman reading.

Ricklehman said...

Funny!!  Good job.

carreeokee said...

I couldn't stop crying I was laughing so hard reading the Bondo bit.