Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Secret "Tigers Live" Analyst Test Screenings
Also, they showed a silly tweet from Your Party Host, complete with Mickey York reading it. Made my day since I’m an attention whore nerd.
But that isn’t the complete story. There were other finalists for the job. And luckily, once again, DNR is the leader in stupid Tigers coverage and I have uncovered the test screenings for the guys that just didn’t make the cut to join Field on the FSD broadcasts.
Take a look.
FIELD: Okay, cut. Bondo, you’re reading both of our lines. See? Where it says “Ryan: So tell me Jeremy, what was the key to today’s game?” That’s my line.
BONDERMAN: YOU TELLS BONDO TO READ MAGIC BOX. THAT WHAT BONDO DID.
FIELD: Okay…sorry. Let’s forget reading and try it off the top of our heads. Ready? Hello, Tiger fans and WELCOME to Tigers Live! The Tigers came out on top of this one over Chicago, 8 to 3, and I’m here in the studio with the new Tigers Live analyst, Jeremy Bonderman. How about that great win tonight, Bondo?
BONDERMAN: BONDO NO WIN. BONDO NO PLAY ANYMORES. LET GET FLAPJACKS RYAN. BONDO HUNGRY.
FIELD: I don’t think this is going to work.
BONDERMAN: UH OHS. BONDO GOT FUDGE IN PANTS AGAIN.
FIELD: Relax. Take a deep breath. There you go. Ready? Hello, Tigers fans! Welcome to the NEW Tigers Live! I’m Ryan Field and with me is my co-host, ex-Tigers pitcher Fu-Te Ni.
FIELD: Um…yes. I think?
NI: And Lick Polcerro go six stlong innings to pick up victolly fol team. He sule pitch smaltel than rast yeal, Lyan.
NI: Something long, Lyan?
FIELD: Um…I need a break.
FIELD: Just relax and be yourself. Have fun with it. Here we go. Hello, Tigers fans, and WELCOME to Tigers Live! The Tigers end their road trip with an impressive 8 to 3 win over the White Sox. I’m Ryan Field and with me is the newest analyst on Fox Sports Detroit, Mr. Jamie Walker.
WALKER: Dang. Now Ricky Porcello’s so dumb, he couldn’t pour piss outta a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel. But dat boy getting’ the job done. And Miggy Cabrera’s knockin’ a hole in the ball you can throw a cat through.
FIELD: Okay. Jamie, let’s call it a day. This may have been a bad idea. Ni made more sense than you.
WALKER: Shoot, man. Yew can’t understand me? You so dumb that if I hit you with a tire iron, you wouldn’t tell ‘til the morning.
FIELD: I’m not so sure about this, but we’ll give it a try. Hello, everyone, and WELCOME to Tigers Live! It was a great Tigers victory over the White Sox tonight and joining me in the studio is new Tigers analyst, Ugueth Urbina.
/pours gasoline over Field’s head
/Venezuelan police storm set and handcuff Urbina
FIELD: Jesus Christ! Who’s idea was this? It was Mickey York, wasn’t it! That motherfu….
FIELD: Welcome to Tigers Live, everyone! Detroit pulled off an 8 to 3 win over the White Sox tonight and I’m happy to be joined here in the studio by my NEW co-host, Gary Sheffield.
FIELD: What the heck are you talking about, Gary? You’re nuts! And my name is Ryan…
SHEFFIELD: F(BEEP)k you, Brian! Sheff don’t need this s(BEEP)t! Sheff’s a big-time AGENT, son! Sheff got clients up the a(BEEP)s! Sheff don’t need you, Brian! F(BEEP)k you and F(BEEP)k Tigers Live!
FIELD: How come Keating doesn’t have to do this sh(BEEP)t? Dammit, my hair got messed up! Get my hair team in here! I hate this…
So yeah. Anyway. Congrats to Craig Monroe. And ME! I wuz on da TEEVEE! Hooray! Sign me up next, FSD! The world wants to see me interview Don Kelly!
ROGO = RATINGZ!