Sunday, March 11, 2012

Something Something Don Kelly Something...

Hello, dear readers. It’s been quiet here lately. Sorry. Spring Training bores me and I haven’t had a whole lot to say. I’ve been quite busy the past couple weeks and I’m not one that enjoys writing something just to have something new on the site. Also, during the regular season, I’m sure I’ll be having something up here nearly every day for your/my/no one’s enjoyment.

But about that “writing just to write something” thing. Did you see Tom Gage’s bit at the News site? “Homer only adds to Don Kelly’s versatility”?

Yup. Here we go again. Luckily, it’s very short.

/cracks knuckles



Some time at third base, a few innings at first, not to mention a home run.

Utility player plays two positions in same game. News at eleven.

And he homered. In a Spring Training game. Stop the presses.

But wait a minute. Back to that headline. How does hitting a Spring Training homer add to Kelly's versatility? I'm serious. That makes no sense at all. What options for Donnie are there now that weren't there before he hit a dinger in an exhibition game? My asshole has said things that make more sense after a long evening of Bacardi and Taco Bell.

Hey, Eric Patterson hit two homers in that same game. Both off Roy Halladay! Where’s his article? Oh, sorry. Another overblown beauty by Gage, there.

I hate Spring Training media coverage. Constant news where there's no news. Did you hear? Slick fielding Brandon Inge is adjusting well to an easier infield position? AMAZING! Here's twenty articles about it, all saying the exact same thing!

The Tigers lost to the Phillies, 7-5, on Friday, their first loss in seven spring games, but not because of Don Kelly's versatility and unsung power.

Other things that can’t be blamed for Detroit losing:

-Victor Martinez’s arm
-Global warming
-Scherzer’s brown eye
-Beer and chicken wings
-Johnny Damon’s wife
-Snooki’s baby bump
-Peyton Manning’s neck-AIDS
-Farnsworth
-That damned sasquatch

Unsung power? He has 16 career homers in 626 plate appearances. That isn’t unsung power. That’s a complete fucking lack of power. Eat a dead horse’s dick, Gage.

I can’t wait to read future articles by Tommy here on Delmon’s unsung defense, AJax’s unsung ability to make contact, and Prince’s unsung ability to turn down second helpings at the buffet.

"You don't have to worry about him," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said. "You know he's going to be out there getting ready wherever he plays, whatever he's doing."

THIS JUST IN: Utility player ready to play when needed.

I know I’m in the minority here, but I wish one of our guys would get drunk and do something stupid so the Tiger writers had something else to write about other than “Don Kelly ready to play if needed”.

Someone get Daniel Schlereth loaded and convince him it’d be funny to run Lynn Henning over with a car. Repeatedly. Now THAT would be interesting.

Kelly's ability to switch positions within a game also isn't under-appreciated by Leyland.

Somewhere, Shane Halter and ten thousand other ex-players wonder why the fuck no one wrote about their lack of ability to be a starter every other day like Kelly gets from the media.

Playing more than one position in the SAME GAME? Holy shitballs, everyone! If Ramon Santiago or Ryan Raburn had to do that...

Oh, wait. They do it all the fucking time.

"It's mostly a head thing," he said.

Rick Porcello’s ears suddenly perk up.

/rimshot

"He's good everywhere you put him.

Except on a baseball diamond.

But he's figured it out what it takes to stay up here and he's done a good job.

“Yessir, Jim. Anything for you, Mr. Leyland. Shine your shoes, Skip? Hey, I’m on fire again! Haha!”

"A lot of that is mental."

And all of it is bullshit. He’s a decent fielding utility guy with a shit bat. The end.

I get that he is nice to you in the media and a great person. Bless his heart for that.

But enough. You’re giving me brain cancer, guys.

Seeya when there’s something to talk about…

4 comments:

Damian56xx said...

Thats our Don Freaking Kelly now. or DFK for short, at least on the Motown Sports  and Detroit Sports Proboards Tigers forums.  DFK doesn't have the same "cachet" as DFA does  n MLB, though.  

rea said...

Sure, hittng a home run shows Kelly is versatile!  After all, he doesn't only hit home runs . . .

Bob said...

Funny stuff and i agree i really hate spring training... I get tired of hearing all the damn stories for meaningless games...

Kburn said...

we get it. you hate don kelly blah blah fucking blah

so glad there's nothing more important going on in our world