Friday, July 27, 2012

Tigers Roundtable, Volume Two


I still stand by my opinion that “Tigers Weekly” is pointless, boring garbage. Thus, it should be replaced. My idea remains for a weekly roundtable of people connected to Detroit Tigers baseball discussing current events surrounding the team. The following is the second installment imagining what that might be like.

JOHN KEATING: Hello, everyone, and welcome to “Tigers Roundtable”. My name is John Keating and I’ll be your host with the most for this week’s edition of the program. And we’ve got another All-Star worthy panel of guests with us this week. First off, returning to the show for the second time, our very own dapper and Always a Tiger analyst, Mr. Craig Monroe!
CRAIG MONROE: (looks at wrong camera) Thank you very lunch, John. Glad to be part of the group this sleek. (turns and stares at Keating with mouth open)

KEATING: Along with Craig this week is a man that can seem so pessimistic at times that his blood type could be b-negative (chuckles to self), longtime Detroit News columnist Lynn Henning!
LYNN HENNING: Thank you, John. It’s a pleasure to be here, though I’m not quite sure what we plan to accomplish today. I think too much time has gone by for this show to be successful. One can only hope.

KEATING: Well. That being said, let’s introduce our third member of the roundtable this week. We decided that it would be interesting to hear what’s going through the mind of the average man on the street…literally! Please welcome Eat ‘Em Up Tigers Guy!
EAT ‘EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! EAT ‘EM UP!

KEATING: Well said. Guys, we cannot go any further without talking about the big trade that went down this week. We all knew something was coming, but Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski pulled off a shocker with, you guessed it, the Miami Marlins again. The team sent prized prospect Jacob Turner along with Rob Brantly and Brian Flynn to the Fish for starting pitcher Anibal Sanchez and second baseman Omar Infante. What’s your reaction to this trade, guys? Craig? You know Omar Infante quite well, don’t you?

MONROE: I sure do. (looks at wrong camera) First of all, Omar Infante brings a much butter glove up the middle than most players do. (looks at correct camera) In addition, he has a pop in his bath that few other muddle infielders in the league possest. And he’s been here before. He knows the city of Detroit and the slate of Michigan. I think it’s a great mule by Dave Dombrowski. (turns chair around and stares at wall)

KEATING: Lynn, how about you? This Anibal Sanchez guy isn’t no slouch either, is he? In fact, he threw a no-hitter not too long ago, didn’t he?

HENNING: That’s true. But much like 2006, that was longer ago than most people think. Sanchez has faced many injuries since then. He’s lost some zip on his fastball. And there’s no doubt that he is just a rental for the next couple months. This team isn’t going anywhere unless Dombrowski makes more moves. And I think he knows that. And Omar Infante, while a nice player, is not a game changer. One can’t look at him and not be reminded of the dreadful 2003 Tigers team. (hums “Pictures of You” by The Cure)

KEATING: How about you, Guy? Does this trade excite you when it comes to the 2012 Detroit Tigers?

EEUTG: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! ATTENTION! I would like at this time to announce that I will be running for mayor of the city of Detroit! EAT ‘EM UP! (bites into apple core from the trash)

KEATING: Yes. You say that a lot. Gentlemen, let’s switch topics. The Tigers have surged up the AL Central standings as of late and have seen some time in first place. Who or what do you think poses the biggest threat to the team as we approach the months of August and September?

MONROE: (staring at ceiling) Good questioned, John. But I think, as it has been all seasoning, that the Chicago White Sox are the team’s toughest complexion. With guys like Jake Pilvey, Paul Concerto, and Kevin Youkish, these guys aren’t going to make winning the AL Central tradition easy on the Tigers. (stares at Keating with pleading eyes)

HENNING: I agree and also disagree, Craig. Sure the White Sox are tough. But so are the Indians, as they just showed in this week’s series. They made Justin Verlander look human, for crying out loud. And one can’t forget about the Royals, in my opinion. But the Tigers must worry about the team that beats them more than anyone…themselves. Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski can only do so much. These guys, sadly, may not have the heart to win this division. And it’s a shame considering the amount of Mike Ilitch’s money that has gone into getting them together.

KEATING: Guy, let me ask you. If you were Jim Leyland, what would you do with a player that wasn’t seeming to give his all out there in a division race such as this one?

EEUTG: BEAT HIM UP!

KEATING: Right. Guys, I’d like to close this week with your opinions on a man that has taken the city of Detroit by storm. He’s captured the hearts of many of the Comerica faithful with his grit, his speed, and his heart. I’m, of course, speaking of outfielder Quintin Berry. How do you see the rest of his season going?

MONROE: (looking at Keating) I’ve rarely seen (looks at camera) a player come out of nowhere (looks at wrong camera) the way Question Berry has. He may be the sparkdrug this team has lacked the past flute years. (looks at Keating) In fact, I think he should bat leadoff the rest of the queer and move Austin Jackson to fifth in the lineup! (looks at wrong camera) I think he’s just that good at the blame of baseball.

KEATING: Wow. How about you, Lynn? You’ve covered Berry since he burst upon us early in the year. Do you see him remaining a crowd favorite, or will he eventually become a BOO Berry? (creepy smile)

HENNING: Quintin Berry is a nice story. And Tiger fans need a nice story, once in a while. The failures of this team are well documented. And I feel they have many more sad stories to tell before it’s all over. Yes, it’s only July, but this team just doesn’t feel like a winner. If Quintin Berry makes Tiger fans happy, then I say keep running him out there. It’s not like anyone else is going to do much against the team’s second half schedule. (slices thigh with razor blade)

KEATING: Guy, have you had a chance to see Berry play? Are you a fan of his, or do you think Andy Dirks is going to reclaim his spot in left field?

EEUTG: Eat ‘em up, Tigers, eat ‘em u…(takes deep breath). Well, John (suddenly begins speaking with English accent) Quintin Berry IS a fine story. But like most stories we hear, there are many ups and downs. Yes, he’s a speedy fellow. And when he arrived, he hit over .300 in May and nearly duplicated the feat in June. But for the month of July, I feel the rest of the league began to catch up to Mr. Berry. Before Wednesday’s win, the boy was hitting barely over .200 for the month. He is hitting .224 against southpaws on the year and has already struck out 55 times after Thursday’s contest. That’s nearly one strikeout per four at bats, John. And his routes on defense…GOOD LORD! Thank heavens his speed allows him to catch up, most of the time. So yes, Quintin has a place on this team. But sadly, I think Mr. Leyland must pick his moments with Berry and Tiger fans need to hope that Andy Dirks is indeed, the answer to left field. But John, do you know what Berry does to this ballclub more then anyone?

KEATING: Um…what is that?

EEUTG: SPEED ‘EM UP! Ha ha! (blows nose into old pair of underpants)

KEATING: Okay. This has been, indeed, an interesting episode of Tigers Roundtable. I would like to give thanks to each of my guests. Craig? Any final words?

MONROE: (looking out window) Don’t count this team pout, Tiger fans. There’s a lot of baseball that reminds in the season.

KEATING: Lynn?

HENNING: If I were the viewers, I would not get my hopes up until this ballclub shows it has the heart of a champion. (puts single bullet in gun, spins chamber, fires…CLICK) Sigh…damn. Another day, I must go on, it seems.

KEATING: And…um, Guy?

EEUTG: Eat ‘em UP! EAT ‘EM UP! (begins urinating on the set)

KEATING: Security! Get in here. And um, thank you for tuning in this week, everyone. We’ll see you next time.

7 comments:

Sutelc said...

Quality entertainment, as usual. Especially for those of us drunk and bored enough to be reading at 1:45 a.m. after a Verlander shelling.  But still, I have enough fond memories of C-Mo circa 2006 to laugh too hard at him.  He fizzled fast but good lord, that slam against the yank-offs.  Respect.  We could do worse for Rod Allen v. 2.0.

B Ward said...

Fantastic as always Rogo. Pulling EEUTG into the roundtable was brilliant!
I literally laugh out loud in the office during Craig's camera fails and misused words. And don't get me started on that amazing depiction of Lynn "DOOM" Henning.
Keep it up!

Tigers Fan in Seattle said...

Hilarious post! 

Do you think the team is done for the year after losing 3 games in a row and 2 out of 3 to the Indians, and Sanchez is awful and Turner might end up being John Smoltz and Leyland is a horrible manager and it's just dismal and horrible and awful and they're going to tank again?  Because that's what I'm reading on another Tigers blog. ( At least they're not saying the ownership is cheap and only cares about the hockey team like someone said last year on the Tigers fan forum on mlb.com.  At least the Prince Fielder signing probably stopped people from saying that.   I thought I'd got onto the Mariners forum by mistake.)

longview said...

I almost spit coffee all over my keyboard and keyboard.  This was freaking hilarious!

longview said...

 oops, meant *keyboard and monitor* -- I was still laughing when I wrote that.

Joetenerelli said...

just great!

Cabfielander said...

That was so hilarious, I had to act it out myself.