Sunday, August 5, 2012
Who is the New DNR Idol?
FIELD: Okay, let’s meet the contestants. Up first is the speedy outfielder that came running in from out of nowhere early this year and hasn’t stopped since. He’s loved by many and hated by snarky online tweeters everywhere, give a warm welcome to Quintin Berry!
FIELD: Ha ha. Great. Calm down. Next is a guy that’s had it rough this year so far, to say the least. The People’s Choice in the voting for DNR Idol, Ryan Raburn!
/twelve inch rain cloud appears over Raburn’s head
/tiny thunderstorm begins
RABURN: Dag nabbit. Not aginn.
FIELD: I didn’t understand a word of that. Contestant number three is Detroit’s number one streaky surfer dude, Brennan Boesch!
FIELD: Nothing, man. Welcome. And finally, we come to our last contestant. He’s the outfielder/DH extraordinaire known as Delmon Young!
/rips up picture of Jerry Seinfeld
FIELD: Okay. You each will get a chance to show off your skills on exactly why you should or shouldn’t be the next DNR Idol. First, the fielding drill! I will toss a baseball into the air above each of you. Your job is to try and catch it. First up, Quintin Berry!
/tosses pop up to Berry
/Berry takes off running in the opposite direction
/recovers and somehow makes a miracle catch
BERRY: Hooray! (claps hands maniacally)
FIELD: Uh, nice. You’re next, Ryan.
/tosses pop up to Raburn
/Raburn sticks out tongue, ball bounces off his head
RABURN: Aww, shucks.
FIELD: Sigh. Brennan? You ready?
BOESCH: Sure, brah.
/tosses pop up to Boesch
/lands on ground two inches to Boesch’s left
BOESCH: Whatever, bro.
/drops to one knee
/presents Smirnoff Ice to Delmon
/Delmon smacks it out of his hand
FIELD: Good lord. Okay, Delmon. Your turn.
YOUNG: Fuck you.
/tosses pop up to Young
/Young looks over wrong shoulder
/ball lands on ground
/Young still can’t find ball
/Young falls down
FIELD: Okay. That concludes the fielding drill. Let me say, you all did a wonderful job and what we’re looking for in this contest. Next is the batting drill. I will lob a pitch underhand to each of you. Do what you do best with it. Quintin, you ready?
BERRY: (claps hands)
FIELD: Stop. Here you go.
/lobs ball to Berry
/Berry bunts it back on the fly to Field
FIELD: Yup. Okay, Mr. Raburn, you’re next.
/lobs ball to Raburn
/Raburn sticks tongue out
/takes two perfect pitches down the middle
/swings and misses at third
FIELD: Oh my. Brennan, it’s your turn.
/lobs ball to Boesch
/Boesch begins his swing
FIELD: Um, okay, Delmon, we’ll go to you now. Oops!
/Field drops ball which starts rolling on floor toward Delmon
/Delmon swings two feet above baseball
/Boesch finally finishes his swing
FIELD: Thank you, gentlemen. We now take it to our special judges! Ladies and gentlemen, our first judge is a longtime favorite of a select portion of the Tigers fanbase. He’s also a former DNR Idol, himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Brandon Inge!
FIELD: Who is your choice for DNR Idol, Brandon?
INGE: Shucks, this is a toughie! But heck, I’m gonna have to go with Brennan Boesch. Sorry, pal. But I sent you a fruit basket last Christmas and you didn’t even say thanks. Not even a card! Golly, I’ve NEVER been so insulted.
FIELD: That’s one vote for Boesch! Our second judge was a big part of the 2006 Tigers pitching rotation. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Bonderman!
FIELD: Um, hi Bondo. Who’s your pick to be the new DNR Idol?
BONDERMAN: I PICK MY NOSE SOMETIMES. SO MY NOSE WINS. YAY!
FIELD: Actually, Jeremy, we need you to choose between Berry, Raburn, Boesch, and Young. We went over this a dozen times before we started today. Remember?
BONDERMAN: NO. SORRY. I PICK MY BUTT THEN. WATCH.
FIELD: Stop. Our final judge is a DNR favorite. Ladies and gentlemen, former Tigers reliever Fu-Te Ni!
FIELD: Good to see you. Who is your choice for DNR Idol?
NI: I had oppoltunity to tark with arr the players hele befole the show. And arr wele velly nice except one. So I choose Dermon Young. He an asshore.
YOUNG: Wha’d you say, bitch?
/throws bat at Ni
NI: Ouch! That hult rike herr!
FIELD: Well, we have one vote for Boesch, one vote for Young, and one idiot on the panel. Also, don’t forget the fans’ vote which was won by Raburn. Quintin, you are officially eliminated from the competition. Thanks for you time.
BERRY: No problem! Just happy to be here! (claps hands until led off stage by security)
FIELD: We now go to the tiebreaker! To recap, the fans chose Ryan Raburn. Brandon Inge selected Brennan Boesch. And Fu-Te Ni picked Delmon Young. Our tiebreaker judge will choose the next DNR Idol and here he comes! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Mr. Gary Sheffield!
FIELD: Gary, it’s great to see you again.
SHEFFIELD: Fuck you, Bryan.
FIELD: Please, Gary. We just need you to break the tie. Who is your choice for the next DNR Idol?
SHEFFIELD: Hmm. Damn. You all suck. Raburn! Your dumb ass getting’ released in two weeks when you quit fakin’ that pussy injury of yours. You lost yo job to some punk named Jeff Baker. That’s pathetic, son. Call Sheff. I’ll get you startin’ in Houston. So now to you. Delmon? You remind Sheff…of Sheff. You call me, too. Sheff hook a brotha up. I guess that leave Brandon Boesch. He Sheff’s choice. Fuck you, Brandon!
/confetti drops from ceiling
FIELD: We have a winner! Congratulations to Brennan Boesch, the new whipping boy of DesigNate Robertson! Don Kelly would be proud!
BOESCH: Whatever, bro. This is weak.
FIELD: Thank you for tuning in, Tigers fans. It’s been a blast. We’ll see you next time. Field...out.